An extra mile?

“Anybody can do what I’m doing but you’ve got to want it with all your heart.”

Pat Farmer is possibly not a name you’ve heard of, unless Australian Politics is your specialist Mastermind subject. And although Pat Farmer may not be a name you remember for long, his feat may be something you never forget. Perhaps his feet will also linger long in your memory.

Have you ever felt pushed to the limit? You know that gnawing sense of wanting to give up, when each day lasts 25 hours and each week is nine days long? I guess most of us have.

If this is the case right now, then remember Pat’s words. 

“Anybody can do what I’m doing but you’ve got to want it with all your heart.” 

Pat is a former car mechanic who on the 19th January this year - having been out for a run - finally arrived at his destination. His journey took him through snow blizzards and sweltering jungles; he faced armed bandits and polar bears; he narrowly avoided being killed by a crashing-truck and he ended up with two black feet that resembled mince meat. He’s not black, just his feet.

For 288 days, Pat ran. 

From the North Pole, to the South Pole, Pat ran. In one go, through 14 countries without a day off. As amazing as he is, he didn’t actually run across the seas in between, though.

Pat clocked up 13,000 miles, running equivalent to 500 marathons in a row without a break. Most days were 50-milers. 

But there was a reason. 

There is always a reason to keep going and not give up, you just have to find it and hold onto it. Hold onto it tightly with both hands and both feet if necessary.

“People think I’m some kind of superhuman. But I hurt all night. And in the morning I’m like a cripple until I get going and loosened up" says Pat.

None of us are super-human but we can all choose to keep going towards our horizon when we hold onto our reasons. 

What kept Pat going? “I endured a lot on the run but the people of South America, East Timor and Africa who have no clean water. Those victims of earthquakes and flood and famines. They have it tough too.” Pat was running for Red Cross and raising awareness of their work around the world. Even the Polar Bears know about them now.

Reading Pat’s story (1) has jolted my perception of what’s tough...again. For what it’s worth, here are three thoughts his story provokes in me:

1. Look out. We all need a cause beyond ourselves to help us through tough times. A picture bigger than our own portrait. “Who else is this goal / task for?”
2. Think long. While I’m not (yet) tempted to run 500 marathons on the bounce, I like that sense of a joined-up journey. Of making the horizon of dreams stretch out beyond the span of my own control. “Where - and to whom - does this goal lead me next?”
3. Start here. Even when your feet are mashed and your bones ache and you’ve hurt all night, just go another step.  All the steps join up. “I’ve come this far” can be an energy-giving thought while you loosen up.

So, whatever you and I face right now - however steep the climb, foggy the view, or puzzling the place we find ourselves - let's remember Pat Farmer. He believes. So can we.

“Anybody can do what I’m doing but you’ve got to want it with all your heart.”

(1) Men's Running magazine, April 2012, pp.23-24. Story by Jon Edwards.

I Just Want To Praise You!

How good does it feel when someone notices you've done a good job on something? When you hear those words "Well done for...!" and you know all the effort was worthwhile?

Hey, most people don't mind getting a bit of praise now and then. Consider how praise gives us energy to persevere. To succeed. To excel.

(Well done for reading this far by the way).

Being praised is one of those profoundly normal human needs, along with chocolate and sleep. Not necessarily in that order. Praise is - according to psychologist and author Stephen Biddulph - especially vital for boys. And I think it's necessary for girls too - with a tweek.

But. (There's that word). But...sometimes praise doesn't do it's job. Sometimes it ricochets off the edge of the target, like aiming waste paper at the bin and it hits the rim and, oh, you get the idea.

So - here are THREE HANDY THINGS to understand about praise. How to get it "in".

1. Praise specifically

General praise is a nuisance - like a plastic bag twitching in the air on a blustery day. For praise to be effective you have to get a hold of it and put some content in it. Notice the difference between a teacher saying "You did really well today" and "You did really well at sitting still and asking questions today". Get rid of the ambiguity. Make it so that next time the person knows what to do - precisely.

But don't list too many things. Praising 47 specific things might send them to sleep.

2. Praise process, not just result

Put aside the skewiff obsession with grades and results. Process matters. 'How' not just 'What'. Understanding 'how' builds capacity and resilience for the future. Prof. Carol Dweck from Stanford University has written some fab stuff about 'Fixed' vs. 'Growth' mindset in a book called - wait for it - "Mindset".

A quick story:

I watched my 5 year old daughter swimming the other day. When it came to her doing front crawl I thought she had turned into an octopus. Arms and legs were all over the place. Olympic-material for 2028 she certainly wasn't. And yet I could see the sheer almost-tear-filled determination in her eyes as she looked over at me.

As if to say "Daddy - how did I do?"

My 'bigtime thumbs up' from the parents' viewing gallery was for her awesome effort. Not for looking like a sea creature from the deep. Truth is, we can only steer something that's moving and praise keeps people moving. Even if they look like an octopus for a while.

(Hey, well done for picturing an octopus just then).

Praising the process - "I can see you're working hard" helps people nurture a mindset of 'I can get better at this' and avoid the binary mindset of 'Am I good at this or not?' Thinking in terms of 'Success/Failure' is at the brink of many problems.

3. Praise the person in front of you

Back to the boy/girl thing. Let me suggest a generalisation that's often (not-always-but-often) true. Boys usually prefer 'Deadpan Praise' and girls usually prefer 'Energetic praise'.
More true is that quieter personalities - introverts let's say - receive praise easier if it's delivered quieter, with care. More gregarious folks - extroverts - receive praise more readily if it's got some oomph, emotion and high five-ness about it.

Put it to the test. Notice what happens. Adjust.

One thing is for sure. We all live in the same room, the 'room for improvement' and it's the biggest room in the world. Life is far more fun - and easier - when we fill that room with the sound of praise.

Imagine that.

Running Red Lights

I admit it was exhilarating at the time.

As I looked at the road ahead, it was a continuous line of traffic lights, all showing red. This was Leeds  City Ring Road at its most ferocious on a September weekend.

I raced through the first one. Then the second. That's when I noticed the Police. But I kept going, the adrenalin thundering in my body. The Police stayed put. I pushed my luck and went through a third. This time I thought I saw the Police applaud.

This was odd. The Police were cheering me on as I raced through red lights.

Can you remember a time when you 'saw red'? When you broke through a barrier despite the warning signals?

In our mentoring work, we frequently speak to young people who have run 'red lights' emotionally. The consequences include broken fists, holes left in walls and fences, and broken ankles. But it's not just the physical impact. What about the mental consequences? The lost peace of mind? The worry, the confusion?

I guess most of us have run red lights from time to time. We've been on that journey where anger has unfortunately evolved into aggression. It doesn't have to. It could collapse into withdrawal or stand up for itself and become assertive bargaining. But often the default of angry actions is 'aggression'.

So, whether you're prone to 'fight' or 'take flight' when the red lights are glowing and your body is acting like an alarm clock, here's a few thoughts to police yourself, or others around you if they're the red-lighters.

A - Acknowledge
Acknowledge something's up. Acknowledge the rising tension. Acknowledge the clenching fists, teeth, and...um...buttocks? (Will have to check that last one out). Acknowledge what has been lost. Remember that's why anger springs up in the first place. That's why it's part of our human wiring. It rapidly draws our attention to the fact that something important to us has been lost. Acknowledge what it is - lost respect? Lost time? Lost opportunity? Name it.

B - Buy yourself time (and keep Breathing!)
When the brain is sending out its 'red warning lights', a highly toxic class of steroid is being released (glucocorticoids) which has the effect of shrinking our brains. Yes, your brain can shrink. The sea-horse shaped part of the brain called the hippocampus - that piece of our neurological jigsaw in charge of learning and memory - shrinks. Hands up if you want a smaller brain? To counter this, to help the stress-steroid process 'ASAP' (it takes at least about 10 minutes), Buy Yourself Some Time. As yet, this is something you can't get from Amazon so go for a walk. Find a safe place. Get fresh air. And breathe deeply. "Four in up the nose; Eight out through the mouth" as a midwife might say. Buy Yourself Some Bonus Time. Give your brain a chance to think. Breathing helps you control your brain which in turn controls, well, I guess the brain controls quite a few things most days.

C - Can't, Can, Choose
Don't think about doing what you can't do. Do do what you can do. Yes, I really said 'do do'. When 'red lights' are stretching out ahead of you, there will be somethings that are not in your control, and may never be. The weather, the economy and the school curriculum are at least three. As our good cigar-puffing hero Winston Churchill once said when faced with his own 'red lights'... "I make two lists. I list all the things I can't control. Then I list all the things I can control. I do something about all those things I can control. Then... I go to sleep." Choose to do something positive that you are in control of.

Acknowledge what's up. Buy some time. Choose something positive.

That autumnal day in Leeds lives with me still. The day that I just kept going. Red light after red light. Whatever possessed me?

Truth be told, the Police were cheering and clapping me and thousands of other runners on. A river of runners in colourful vests tackling the Leeds half marathon, with city roads closed for the occasion.

My only way out here is to say that you don't have to stop at every red light - but do notice it and decide an appropriate course of action. The Police might be watching and I can't promise that they'll clap.

Mentoring: The most lethal question?

Have you noticed how lethal the question ‘WHY?’ can be? And the reaction it gets?

Whether in parenting, teaching, business, coaching... You name it, ‘Why?’ is a dangerous weapon.

Hmmm. Why is that?

Oftentimes the question ‘Why?’ evokes a defensive response. People start thinking they are being questioned and judged. Hands up if you enjoy that? Relating gets usurped by justifying.

Of course the impact of asking ‘Why?’ will depend on how it’s said, and can still be handy if you want to create direct confrontation or challenge someone. There is a place for that.

However - the words ‘HOW COME?’ can restore rapport.

‘How come?’ allows curiosity to be expressed; it takes conversation onward not inward, it gets to the positive intention behind a person’s action, and is safer.

How come we don’t use it more often?

You're Gorgeous

What do you say to yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror?

I regularly ask groups of teenagers this question. I present them with 30 words – such as ugly, cheerful, selfish, kind – and they get to choose any five words as to how they describe themselves. Over the past few years a pattern has emerged. When I ask how many of them have ‘more positive words than negative’ a few tentative almost guilty hands go up. Invert the question, and there is a mass rush. The stats? About 96% are in this second group.

Fact: Most teenagers have a real downer on themselves.

So, what do you say to yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror?

What would you change? What do you see that you really like?

The first time I was airbrushed was painless. It was involuntarily for the front cover of our marriage service sheet where I was made to look like George Clooney. No, actually it was just the ‘odd blemish’ that was vaporised. Man, I looked unreal.

The truth is this: Most people want to change something about how they look. There’s far too much comparing body to body that goes on and not enough ‘maybe I’m okay as I am’. Sure, many people want to look their best which is great, and that’s very different to believing they don’t look ‘good enough’ which presents itself as a constant striving for something new.

This issue of airbrushing is something that teenagers tell me affects how they feel about themselves. Girls particularly, but not exclusively. They’re clued up to the unrealism of por*ography and the intimacy-void it promotes and fails to fulfil. Airbrushed sex. Hmmm, not very romantic.

Many young people are genuinely surprised when we unveil the extent of photo-shopping in the media – natural body marks and even bones wiped out. Necks elongated, eyes widened, noses shrunk, busts expanded. It all gets ‘the treatment’.

Fact: Much of what we see on billboards, magazine pages, glossy brochures isn’t real. They’re not real people.

They don’t exist.

They’re not people you can become Friends with on Facebook.

Those finished specimens don’t have their own fingerprints.

This issue was brought home to me last week. Quite literally it was brought home to me through the letter box in a plastic wrap. The front cover model of Runner’s World UK had an image of a runner without sweat - which is fair enough because he was in a studio not the Great Outdoors. But the bloke had legs smoother than a lady from a BaByLis advert and a streamlined jaw which was too perfect for my liking. Possibly just jaw-jealousy that last bit.

Those who know me know I’m a runner.  Running is definitely not about airbrushing. Running is not about instant change. Running is not about looking perfect for a roadside billboard. Running is about coping with life’s tricky stuff whatever that is for the individual, taking control of your headspace, and by pounding the road or trails for mile after struggling mile turning it all into something positive. So you can look at your sweaty puddle-splattered body in the mirror and say ‘well done’. 

Because I do believe really and truly that it is not what’s on the outside that matters so much. But getting to a place, however skewiffy the process might have been or still is, of accepting yourself.

Being able to look at yourself in the mirror and say “Hey, you’re alright.” Honestly, when was the last time you did that?

The psalmist David uses a phrase. He writes that the The Creator of All Things looks at you and says you are ‘the apple of his eye’. Bible-speak for ‘You’re flippin’ gorgeous, just as you are’.

“Wave your hands in the air” I sometimes say to the gathering of young people. “Look super carefully at your fingerprints. Notice the swirls and loops and arches.” A hundred adolescent heads peer at their fingertips and whispered jokes begin and – honestly – looks of amazement occur. For some it’s as if they’re thinking “On my goodness! Who just put those fingerprints there!?”

“There’s the proof. No-one else on planet earth has those same marks. Seven billion people alive today, and only you have that set of marks. Proof that you are unique. You are a rare species of one. You’re flippin’ gorgeous just as you are.”

It’s a simple exercise, but a truth-filled one. If the Advertising industry had its way I daresay our fingerprints would be airbrushed away. I fear for the day that “compareyourself.com” is launched. How dare we be ourselves.

Fact: Most if not all of us want to be accepted as we are. No more trying to prove ourselves, compare ourselves, digitally enhance ourselves.

Now, what would that be like?

Yes, I have contacted Runner’s World UK about their front covers asking about their image enhancement policy. They might ignore me, again. But at least I can look myself in the eye, in the mirror, and remind myself that I’m alright. Maybe not George Clooney, but I’m alright.

And you? Hey, you’re gorgeous. Remember that next time you look at yourself in the mirror.

Mentoring: The problem with 'BUT'

Ever wondered about the impact of your 'BUT'? 

Not as in 'Does your butt look big in this?'... as in 'What effect does saying 'but' have on what you're communicating?' 

The word 'BUT' is a lazy way of saying you disagree with someone. "Yeah I hear what you're saying BUT..." (But = I don't really hear what you're saying at all...)

‘But’ is like a hole in the road.

How about using the word 'AND' instead? Far more seamless, more...elegant. "Yeah I hear what you're saying AND..." (And = I do hear what you're saying, and my opinion is different and can sit alongside yours...)

Sure, use BUT if you want to break rapport, close down conversation or stir up a heated debate. There's a time for that.... And there's also the time now to use cleaner and clearer language. 

Enjoy playing with it, and notice what happens...

Mentoring: Rear View Mirrors

It counts as one of the most, let's say "unexpected" days of my life. 


The paintballing trip for our students didn't look too promising when we had to pull our minibus over on the way there.  One unconfessing 15 year old was shooting a BB gun at the driver's head.


I was the driver.


From there things escalated into chaos, or de-escalated into hell, depending on whether you're standing on your head, because I may as well have been. Between the three staff - all of us respectable teachers from the College - we managed to round up most of our students just before the knife got used by a rivalling school gang. But not before the plank of wood with rusty nails in had connected with the leg of a kid from another School. Great planning this was. Don't ask me whether the plank 'knocked any sense' into them. 


Paintballing guns. Knives. Hoodies. BB guns. Street talk and odd hand waving gestures. I had been cast into a low grade Snoop Dogg video, when all I really wanted was Snoopy.


Reverse Gear


With the College minibus door finally shut, and a dozen roudy-singing-so-loudly-you'd-think-they-were-drunk students piling on top of each other, I stuck it into reverse gear.


That's when I had a fresh appreciation for the sturdiness of trees.


And the not-so-sturdiness of College minibuses. 


Imagine the scene: Twelve rioting teenagers trapped in a minibus that's collided with a tree in an attempt to escape World War IV. The words 'I'm a teacher get me out of here!' would rarely have been more appropriate. Thank goodness all this is nearly 10 years ago.


Rear View Mirrors Are Under-Rated


Ah, the Rear View Mirror. It's an under-rated thing, isn't it. Along with humming. Under-rated.


But there is such tremendous value in stopping and looking at what's behind us, now and again. Not just in the literal Rear View Mirror which thankfully come with most models of vehicle in the UK, even minibuses. I mean the metaphorical one that is in our imaginations. The Rear View Mirror of Mentoring, as it were. 


It's all too easy to remember and rehearse today's problems and forget that some of yesterday's or last years have gone. D i s a p p e a r e d.  Hey, how did that happen? 


Quick Thinking Task


1. Pick a problem you've come through - Something where you are now living in the light at the end of the tunnel. 
2. Enjoy the fact you're through it. Smile. Deep breath. Hey, you're through it!
3. Now think about what specifically helped you through... Can you list 5 things? 
People? Behaviours? Mental strategies? Risks? Changing something? Keep going 'til you reach at least five.
Because there's vital things to learn and carry with you for whatever you face next. You will face another mountain, challenge or problem, and part of your toolkit for moving forward is right there in the Rear View Mirror.


I like the fact that - right now - I am at home and nowhere near a dented College minibus. Or a rioting band of teenagers. 


I've learned to look around for help a little more often, to recognise my limitations a little more quickly - including minibus driving - and if something stresses you out then you've got to do what you can do, and not what you can't. Those lads also taught me that disasters aren't usually personal however much they can feel that way. Oh, and I've learned that now and again it's really good to pause and look back. 


Because you never know if someone's just planted a 100 year old oak tree next to you.

The F-Word

Roger Bannister. What a man, and what a failure.

We know him for his lung-busting 3 minutes 59.4 seconds of running on the Iffley Road athletics track on that breezy May day in 1954. The celebrated finish line moment caught on camera, his chin aloft, shoulders back, trackside timekeepers with fingers on clocks.

And there is a lesser known part to Roger’s story, before this great F-is-for-Finishing moment.

Two years previous to becoming the first ever known man in the world to run a whole mile in under four minutes, Roger was dealing with another F-word. F-is-for-Failure.

It was such a monumental let down, in his eyes, that it caused him to seriously contemplate hanging up his running shoes for good. He wanted to call it a day. “I came, I ran, I missed out”. Hardly a speech to rouse the troops.

Before the two year intense battle to run the first ever ‘sub-4 minute mile’, a battle between Roger and his two rivals – Wes Santee of the U.S. and John Landy from Down-Under - there was the small matter of the Olympic Games in Helsinki.

Even five decades ago the press were well versed in hype-over-hope and supercharging expectations. But when it came to it, however much the British press had all but guaranteed Roger the gold medal in the 1,500 metres, Roger didn’t deliver. He finished in the worst place possible. F-is-for-Fourth. He was crucified in the press.

Demoralised, defeated, down trodden. “I can’t do this anymore” were the words ringing in Roger’s mind. He had given years of his life to intensive early morning sprint training alongside the rigorous demands of training as a medical doctor in Oxford. He had other aspirations he could pursue.

But he did ‘do it anymore’.

The Japanese have a saying, ‘Fall Down Seven Times, Stand Up Eight.’

On the verge of hanging up his running spikes, Roger made a decision. A decision he had no way of knowing would be a landmark in history. A decision when His-Story became History.

We rarely get the privilege in advance of knowing that our brave decisions to Stand Up Again when we have Fallen, will yield our desired result. Perhaps it’s a matter of F-is-for-Faith.

As the apostle Paul once said, ‘We walk by faith, not by sight.’ Most of the time we have to live with the ‘sight’ in our heads of the dream we are working towards, before we see it materialise.

We’ve all Fallen. We’ve all Failed. We’ve all lacked Faith at times. It’s human and normal.

And what happens next is a choice. “Fall Down Seven Times…”

What if there is no such thing as failure? Only feedback. What if failure is just information on how to not do something?

Seb Coe, another running-hero of mine, once said ‘The paradox of excellence is built on the necessity of failure.’ That’s right, the necessity of it. However much we may not like the taste of failure, it can – if we embrace it – give us something firm to build on. F-is-for-Foundations.

Not many of us will break a world record or be the first person to achieve such and such. But our choices become part of our History, and our failures can become a rich part of our Story.

We have all failed. And we are not failures. Perhaps we are all just finding our way to run our race a little better.

Chin up, shoulders back, keep running…

Mind The Gap

Was This Slave Labour?

Cast your mind back. Do you remember ‘Bob A Job’?

If you were a Boy Cub or Scout then you may recall that special week in the year when you were given permission to go and make your ‘million dollars’ in the community. You could knock on doors down your street and offer to cut lawns, shine shoes, clean toilets… in your scouting uniform, and then when the job was done just put your hand out… and happily receive a bit of cash.

I remember potting up plants with my older brother, for 3-4 hours on a baking afternoon out the back of a huge house. For a quid. A whole one pound. Slave labour? No, I loved it. The look and feel of that hard-earned pound was awesome.

Something For Nothing

Wind the clock forward a few years and I vividly recall the first house I went to as a volunteer helper with a charity called ACET (Aids Care Education and Training).

I had successfully navigated the buses of North London, knocked on the door of the given address and waited. And…waited. I checked the scrap of paper with the address. When the door eventually opened, the stick thin man – who I had already been told was HIV+, looked at me and clearly his idea of a cleaner was something very very different to me.

I clocked the look of Disappointment.

But I vacuumed. Boy, did I vacuum clean that house. I ironed shirts (badly, but not badly-on-purpose which is a different matter), I disinfected his bathroom and I generally kept myself busy for hours. The reason was that I was a bit scared. I wasn’t prepared for the amount of ‘paraphernalia’ someone this unwell would have in the house. He didn’t talk to me, but that didn’t matter. I was there to serve. Simple.

The man is dead now but the memory of that house lives on. For one profound reason – the joy of doing something for somebody for nothing. Call it volunteering, call it giving, call it learning how to clean. There was sheer joy in the process.

Mind The Gap

My point in mentioning these experiences?

Well, a member of staff said to me in a school this week, quite seriously:

‘School’s the last place you want to come if you want to learn something’.

While it’s not entirely true, we could all have a good poke at the national curriculum for irrelevancy. I agree it needs a bit of a shake. A really good firm shake to be fair. My criticism is not at teachers, of whom I know many and they are some of the most generous, dedicated, striving-for-excellence people I know. Some of them I count amongst my heroes.

Yes of course it is a farce that the government are seeking to scrap work related learning, against the vast backdrop of evidence of Young Enterprise and the Institute for Education and Business Excellence (IEBE) amongst others.

Where in the curriculum for every child between the ages of 11-16 are those Bob-A-Job experiences where they are given permission and support (not just for two weeks) to create, invent and make money?

A National Gift


Our nation’s gift is entrepreneurialism. The world needs us to take that gift seriously and make our contribution. Until we do, the economy will stumble and poverty and disease will accelerate.

Yes, I DO mind the gap between academia and real life issues. I really mind it.

Schools should be a greenhouse for finding solutions for the world’s problems, a platform for learning how to cope and thrive, a safe place to experiment, a chance to learn about money and business and stewardship and contribution. Given the amount of hours spent in adult life engaged in business of some kind, how come the word business is so little talked about?

A New Curricular Proposal

So here’s my tongue-in-cheek proposal for the new national curriculum for 2013 or whenever it gets hit with the ‘Refresh’ button.

1.    Less Science. Oh come on, there's far too much of it.

2.    Everyone in Key Stage 4 gets a Business Mentor from the local community with chances to go and visit different businesses (not just a week of work experience).

3.    Less written work and controlled assessments. About 50% less would be a good start.

4.    Time to write your business plan and present it to Business folk.

5.    Grades/rewards given for effort and attitude... not just outcome.

6.    A chance to volunteer with a local group for an hour or more a week. D of E style.

7.    Every child sets up their own website to trade through with a % of profits going to support local charity groups of their choice.

8.    Opportunities and workshops on public speaking and story telling.

9.    You get the idea.

This enterprise-stuff shouldn’t be reserved for Business Studies A-level, it’s Life Studies.

It shouldn’t be kept at bay until students are 16, 17, 18… Young people who are 11 aren’t just Younger than us, they are also Newer than us.

Mind the gap… without a radical shake up young people will keep drifting into all the things we are already worried about for them.

Mentoring: Three Essential Themes

Mentoring is a beautiful thing.

It is a process between people that spans cultures, faiths, genders and industries. It bridges generations. Think of someone who has played a positive part in your life, take twenty seconds and you’ll have a name. And probably a smile and a story too. Mentoring pervades the fabric of our lives.

Mentoring, at its best, offers a safe place in life’s storms, a signpost at life’s junctions, and a stretching process at life’s edges. Just think of it: Where would we be without the mechanism of mentoring to help us not just survive - but really thrive?

In 15 years of mentoring being my day-to-day work, I am convinced there is no neat and tidy formula to it. Mentoring is not like wrestling with trigonometry, thank goodness, but there are what I would call ‘themes’.

I was in the kitchen at the weekend thinking about this and here is what crossed my mind…here are three “essential themes” to assist in nudging the mentoring process along, useful for any and every mentoring encounter:

Actions Speak Loudest

The request from a mentor: “Tell me about what you’re doing...” can unlock many insights that will not be gleaned from asking someone how they are feeling. Sure, emotions matter, they are ‘our energy to act’, but feelings are like clouds that linger and drift and pass away. (Pause for effect). Actions, however, provide an X-ray of our beliefs. Find a habitual action, and ask someone “What matters to you about doing that?” and it will take you somewhere. The first theme of mentoring is that ACTIONS matter, revealing patterns and the structure of problems.

Thought-Addict

The second theme of mentoring is that of ADDICTIONS. They will be probably in the background somewhere, but these issues have to be, as it were, “in the mentoring script, not left as scenery”. There are addictions that we must be really explicit about, usually because people find certain things hard to say. A kind of ‘awkward moment’ descends at the point of speaking.  For example, life’s voids, disappointments and setbacks are often filled with certain behaviours that are usually not positive, healthy, nor admirable. Issues such as self-harm (biting, hair-pulling, cutting etc.), pornography, cannabis use and eating disorders are all, in my experience and research, more widespread than we’d like to think. (NB. Professional help and contact with a GP may be necessary in dealing with some of these issues).

A mentor has to show some courage. “Can I ask you some direct questions?” is a good opener. Yes there has to be trust, and sometimes launching out directly is exactly the way that trust can be established. Trust has to be born, and all birthing provides some discomfort.

But it’s not just the obvious and lesser-talked about addictions. There are also those of ‘What do you think about yourself when you look in the mirror?’ The way we define ourselves defines our lives. “What do you normally think about ‘you’? What effect does that have?” the mentor might say…

Attitudes of the Heart

Have you ever worked with someone with “an attitude-problem”? It’s one of those terms that we’re all supposed to know what it means but we’re not sure we do. Attitudes are a cluster of beliefs. Sorting out an attitude-problem is like straightening out spaghetti, tangled together in multiple places.

If Billy has an attitude problem about a teacher then asking Billy what he believes about the teacher, teaching, and his learning will be handy. The responses may uncover the roots of the attitude. Take one of Billy’s beliefs for starters, give it a shake. Throw in some doubt. “Do you really believe that? When did you decide that? How will that belief help you in the future, or not?”  Remember, any question can be asked in the presence of good rapport. The third theme of mentoring is that ATTITUDES, not simply aptitudes, influence the outcomes in our lives.

Actions. Addictions. Attitudes. I can’t give you the precise recipe but these three ingredients will give your mentoring conversations structure, focus and momentum. It will stretch the requirement of trust. It will connect you with reality. And reality, after all, is a theme that we can’t get away from, for it runs through all our stories.

Trigonometry on the other hand, well that's a different matter. Thank goodness.

Mentoring: Four questions every mentor should ask, every time

Questions, questions, questions...
Who was the first person to milk a cow, and what did they think they were doing?
Who was the first person to ask a question? Was it an open, closed, funnelling or rhetorical question? So many questions. I wonder how many there are...

I've sometimes wondered...Where do all the questions go? And what would happen if we ran out of questions?
Would it be like running out of chocolate?

The 17th century-born philosopher, Voltaire said:
 "Judge a person by their questions, rather than their answers."
Hmm, wise words indeed.

Now, why am I going on like this? Because questions are central to the mentoring process, aren't they? You've probably noticed the effect that questions can have.

Here are 4 top questions every mentor should ask, whether in a school, business, faith or other setting. They work well in every session providing structured anchor points and in time a feeling of familiarity.

1. What's on your mind, today?
This question is a missile to the 'very present' moment. It offers the chance to talk about what's most important to the other person, in that instant. The answer might be "er...nothing much" but the physiology will tell you either that's true or not and guide you as to what you do/ask next. Without this question, the most pressing matter(s) may not come to light.

2. What do you want, today?
Most mentoring sessions are time-limited. It's possible to talk lots about not much, but we want purpose-filled not nonsense-filled conversations. How often do people press 'pause' and have a chance to give this question a thought. How often do we think about what we're thinking about? Good question. Even Jesus asked a blind man 'What do you want?' side-stepping assumption and hearing what the other person wanted the outcome to be.

3. How can I help?
Mentors have resources, contacts and expertise at their disposal, much of which is unconscious, that is it is 'not being currently thought of'. This question permissions the other person to request or bargain and open up the door to new resources. Sometimes the answer to this is 'Just listen to me. How affirming can being really listened to be for someone? My friend Tim calls it 'Exquisite listening'. Yep, I like that.

4. What will you do next?
This is a good question to ask near the end of the session. It is action-focused and works well with setting goals, and providing forward momentum. Don't get stuck, move the thinking forward, and encourage them to be 'at cause' (that is, taking responsibility) rather than 'effect' (what others will do for them).

I wonder what other questions you might want to ask, that you've noticed work well. Oh...and did you spot what's in common about all 4 of the above questions?

Is that the time? Gotta go and do some research about the origins of cow-milking - how much fun might that be?

The problem with Father Christmas

Do you remember that childhood occupation of writing your Christmas letter to Father Christmas? The excitement you had at dreaming up what else you could add to the list? There was that lovely innocent belief, wasn’t there, that you could decide something you wanted, scribble it down and - hey presto - in just a short period of time it would be delivered to your fireplace / the foot of your bed / under the tree* (*delete as applicable) With a “Ho Ho Ho” included.

Prepare yourself for bad news.

Father Christmas never got those letters. There were no magic elves.

If you got anything off your list it was (take a deep breath) down to the sheer hard work, sacrifice and organisation of others. Now I’m a parent of three small children I know how much effort it takes to deliver the goods – I watch my wife do a great job of organising the whole process!

Now I wonder how this connects to young people in school, or to you and I? 

What we DO come across in our mentoring work are young people (some, not all) who live and breathe with the corrosive idea lurking in their amazing minds that "whatever I want in life will just arrive". Maybe not in a red sack / pillow / sock* (*you get the idea) but that the universe will conspire to make it happen for them…but somehow without their involvement.

You start asking...When did they decide to become a passenger in their own magnificent life, the one that they have Chief Responsibility to lead? At what point does the penny drop that Accomplishment requires Action. Persistent, informed, purposeful action. Sometimes, the penny never drops.

The mentoring and education work of Lifespace revolves around the absolute passionate intention of helping young people lead their own lives in the direction they really want to go. Don't wait for Santa, because he ain't comin'.

Sometimes nurturing a young person’s belief in themselves can be harder than convincing them that Father Christmas might be out there. The obstacles seem many and are audible.

“But I can’t… But I tried… I can’t be bothered…I’m just not any good at…” Yet ask them what they want, and many people, not just teenagers, have a spark of an idea about how they want their life to be different. The limiting belief creates a limited range of behaviours.

Our advice to those people wanting to succeed at something?

Firstly, get clear on what you do want. Yes, writing it out does help, then you can SEE what you’re thinking. Just not addressed to Santa.  Keep the wording positive and succinct. Be specific. Make sure it’s something you are in control of.

Secondly, consider what you need. Who can you talk to? What can you read about it? Who can you model who does it well? What in your past can you squeeze learning from? Rethink the past “gravestones of failure” as “milestones of feedback”. Your past isn’t what you thought it was. We've all failed at something, this no WAY means we are failures.

Thirdly, decide and do something. Then notice what happens. No the Elves won’t put in an extra shift on your behalf, but it’s strange how change always follows action which always follows decision. The world looks different depending on our attitude towards it.

Finally, adjust and keep going. Once you’re taking control of the steering wheel of your life, you have to keep your eyes on the road...

…you just never know when a stray reindeer might appear.