Coming to your senses

"Wherever you go, there you are" Jon Kabat-Zinn

Have you ever caught yourself using that fateful phrase: "I can't wait until..." Or its twin culprit "If only it was..."?

 

Yes it's important to have things to look forward to - good stuff planned ahead can provide a real energy lift. However, sometimes it's just too easy to chop out large chunks of our lives just existing from one holiday or weekend to the next!

During my first day back at work after the summer holidays I overheard someone say "I can't wait until Christmas!" At that point there were still 114 days to go. I had to work it out on a calculator. I felt sad at the thought of wanting to forward wind your life 16 weeks. The days will only ever arrive one at a time and the future will never appear any faster than that. There's no App for that, no 'iRush' software, whatever brand of mobile phone you have.

 

One simple curious day at a time, thank goodness, for each day has enough trouble and surprise of its own.

My uncle (in wheelchair), now
living with the illness MND,
but who hasn't given up
on still racing in marathons!

Over the past year I have had contact with several people who are now living with a terminal illness called Motor Neurone Disease (MND), my Uncle Andrew being one of them (see picture). A recurring theme among them is that the cruel and unwelcome arrival of this fatal degenerative condition has brought an unexpected joy. Yes, really. Joy.

 

As their limbs weaken, their speech packs up and their taste buds fade (by the way, MND is uniquely different for each person with it), it has forced them to...slow...down. In the face of total deterioration of their bodies, they have been confronted with how vital it is to experience every single moment to its fullest, while they can. As author Jon Kabat-Zinn once said, we need to get out of our heads more often...and into our bodies. My friends with MND can teach us all something life-giving.

Consider the difference between rushing through our lives, and actually noticing what we are experiencing through our senses:

 •  Instead of just eating (how mindlessly do we eat sometimes!), what if we notice the taste of each mouthful? Eat slower, taste more.

•  Instead of driving everywhere, walk somewhere. Give the brain a chance to catch up.

•  Don't zip past blackberry bushes, pick some, squish them like a two year old boy does.

•  Stand outside in the evening, close your eyes and notice what you hear. Birds? Chatter? Aeroplanes? Stay still until you can hear and sense your own breathing. Let your breath breathe you. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Remind yourself that this is it. This is your life you're in.

•  Give yourself five minutes to stare at the night sky. Notice the magnitude of life above us all.

•  As autumn progresses, take the chance to smell the roses.

•  In a conversation, allow a moment of silence and smile for the sheer sake of smiling.

Were we really designed just to lurch from one stress-filled day to another? I don't think so. Is there a better way? Yes, and it's right under our noses and at our fingertips. We need to come back to our senses and I mean that 100% literally. To pay closer attention to what we see and hear and touch and taste and smell, for each day can reveal unexpected joy.

Isn't this what we'd want to teach our young people?

 

 

Adapted from the original article featuring in Connection magazine, Oct 2013 (c) Chris Spriggs 2013

Mindfulness image courtesy of mentallywell.co.uk

Mentoring: The most lethal question?

Have you noticed how lethal the question ‘WHY?’ can be? And the reaction it gets?

Whether in parenting, teaching, business, coaching... You name it, ‘Why?’ is a dangerous weapon.

Hmmm. Why is that?

Oftentimes the question ‘Why?’ evokes a defensive response. People start thinking they are being questioned and judged. Hands up if you enjoy that? Relating gets usurped by justifying.

Of course the impact of asking ‘Why?’ will depend on how it’s said, and can still be handy if you want to create direct confrontation or challenge someone. There is a place for that.

However - the words ‘HOW COME?’ can restore rapport.

‘How come?’ allows curiosity to be expressed; it takes conversation onward not inward, it gets to the positive intention behind a person’s action, and is safer.

How come we don’t use it more often?

Mentoring: Four questions every mentor should ask, every time

Questions, questions, questions...
Who was the first person to milk a cow, and what did they think they were doing?
Who was the first person to ask a question? Was it an open, closed, funnelling or rhetorical question? So many questions. I wonder how many there are...

I've sometimes wondered...Where do all the questions go? And what would happen if we ran out of questions?
Would it be like running out of chocolate?

The 17th century-born philosopher, Voltaire said:
 "Judge a person by their questions, rather than their answers."
Hmm, wise words indeed.

Now, why am I going on like this? Because questions are central to the mentoring process, aren't they? You've probably noticed the effect that questions can have.

Here are 4 top questions every mentor should ask, whether in a school, business, faith or other setting. They work well in every session providing structured anchor points and in time a feeling of familiarity.

1. What's on your mind, today?
This question is a missile to the 'very present' moment. It offers the chance to talk about what's most important to the other person, in that instant. The answer might be "er...nothing much" but the physiology will tell you either that's true or not and guide you as to what you do/ask next. Without this question, the most pressing matter(s) may not come to light.

2. What do you want, today?
Most mentoring sessions are time-limited. It's possible to talk lots about not much, but we want purpose-filled not nonsense-filled conversations. How often do people press 'pause' and have a chance to give this question a thought. How often do we think about what we're thinking about? Good question. Even Jesus asked a blind man 'What do you want?' side-stepping assumption and hearing what the other person wanted the outcome to be.

3. How can I help?
Mentors have resources, contacts and expertise at their disposal, much of which is unconscious, that is it is 'not being currently thought of'. This question permissions the other person to request or bargain and open up the door to new resources. Sometimes the answer to this is 'Just listen to me. How affirming can being really listened to be for someone? My friend Tim calls it 'Exquisite listening'. Yep, I like that.

4. What will you do next?
This is a good question to ask near the end of the session. It is action-focused and works well with setting goals, and providing forward momentum. Don't get stuck, move the thinking forward, and encourage them to be 'at cause' (that is, taking responsibility) rather than 'effect' (what others will do for them).

I wonder what other questions you might want to ask, that you've noticed work well. Oh...and did you spot what's in common about all 4 of the above questions?

Is that the time? Gotta go and do some research about the origins of cow-milking - how much fun might that be?