Revision...made easier

We've all been there haven't we?

Knowing a certain task needs doing, right about NOW, but feeling like our oomph has disappeared. *Checks in pockets. Opens and closes draws. No. No sign of Oomph*

 

Our get up and go seems to have strecthed its legs and quietly left the building, checking Twitter as it goes. If only we could keep our oomph in a safe place, eh? The truth is that motivation is not complicated, we just need a few starting points.

The Escape Key decided to live up to its name...
and went off to find your Oomph.

As exam time looms, and the word  'Revision' (said in a whisper) becomes ever present on the lips of parents and teachers, it's possible that someone you know will be facing this motivation dilemma on a daily basis.

 

Maybe someone in your household.

 

Maybe it's you.

 

In our mentoring work at Lifespace Trust we will be working closely with about a hundred young people who will be sick to death of the R word by the end of April.

 

 

So, for their indulgence, here are just four simple tips to make it a touch easier, all beginning with... the letter R.

 

1. Realistic.

Some things just aren't realistic for some young people, like not checking Facebook for a week. Not staying up too late. Not putting their dishes in the sink. Exam time is NOT going to turn a teenager into a Saint. But the good news is that many essentials of 'how to revise' are within reach of most young people.
 

Tip one - set a realistic goal for each day. For example, five hours revision a day may not be realistic and may cause stress and friction, and constant checking of Twitter. But an hour before dinner and an hour afterwards as a minimum may well be. Keep your goals do-able. If you're not in the mood, start with the idea of doing just ten minutes, then notice how you get into it. Starting is the hardest part. Accept it takes time for the brain to warm up.

 

2. Routine.

We do many things without trying simply because they are part of our routine. They are a
habit. Putting your trousers on before you go out the door? Tick. Cleaning your teeth so you don't knock your friends out? Tick. Those are good routines.

Tip Two - revision needs to be routine, not ad hoc.

Stick to the same place for revising the same subject (but using different rooms for different subjects can also work). Stick to the same start and finish time, just like having a dinner time and a bedtime. Find your rhythm and you will waste less time and mental energy convincing yourself to make a start.

 

3. Recycle.

Immediately after revising, the brain does this special thing called forgetting. By recycling I

don't mean collecting your exam notes and putting them through the shredder, tempting as that might be. I mean at the end of each day flick through what you've just revised, again.

Think about the word 'Revision': To look at again and again.

 

Tip Three - At the end of each day/week, flick through what you've revised. Go over and over, not in depth, but in breadth. Give yourself a few minutes to have some 'A-ha! Oh yeah!' moments. Pause if you have to.

 

4. Result.

Ask yourself the question "How will I feel when I HAVE done this piece of work?" Fast forward an hour or two.

Tip four - Focus on what the result will be like. Then picture yourself doing what you
need to be doing. When we shift our focus from our current mood (e.g. boredom) to our
desired mood (e.g. satisfaction) we can find the door to our Oomph is unlocked, and
pushed ajar, ready to let us back in.

 

Finally, I remember the day before I ran the Dublin marathon walking past a billboard which read: "There may be days when you don't feel you can. But there will be a lifetime knowing that you have." Now is the time to make the difference. No teenager I've worked with over the last 18 years ever regretted being too prepared. Because when you've given your all, there is another R to look forward to. Relaxing in the knowledge you gave it 100%.

Job for life?

Job for life?

Can you remember your early experiences of work?

 

Work you got paid for and made you feel like "wow, so this is what employment can be like!" Our early experiences can  really shape our expectations for the future, can't they.

 
For some of us it was Bob-a-job week with Scouts.

I remember knocking on doors at age 12 with my older brother, sauntering through the village in our dark green scout shirts on hot May days. We would polish shoes and wash flowerpots for fifty pence - character building stuff! It was about serving folk in the community, being enterprising and making enough pennies to pay for our summer camp!


Perhaps it was work experience during school that provided a taster for you? In our mentoring work at Lifespace Trust, I recently spoke to a lad who worked at Shepperton Studios learning about film sets and animation. More glamorous than my two weeks in an Accountant's office in Guildford learning about Supercalc 5 and bank reconciliations. But I loved it. I went on to get a degree in Accountancy.

HORRIBLE HEADLINES

Recent reports by the Chartered Institute for Personnel Development (CIPD) and Business In The Community (BITC) are giving us details about the horrible headline of youth unemployment in our country with 1 in 5 young people aged 16-24 out of paid work. It is wrong that it is like this. There is a significant mismatch between employers and young people, and the problem isn't just elsewhere, it is local to South Warwickshire too.

MORE THAN YOU THINK?

Don't just consider the drain on the welfare budget, more vitally we are talking about a whole generation who are learning about worklessness and worthlessness.

And as for the damage done to young people's mental health... Our job shouldn't define our worth but it does give us a context to discover it and demonstrate it. For all the TV talent shows which reinforce the celebrity culture we have enthroned, thousands of young people are having their more useful and worthy talents ignored. Of course, it's not just a question of talent, but of giving opportunities to learn and discover what they are capable of in a supported way.

One teenager who struggles with the impact of dyslexia in school is realising his hyper-visual brain (people with dyslexia think in pictures, not sounds) means he is amazing with repairing car engines. Spelling is a struggle but he's got his own X Factor!

CATCH 22

But here's the catch-22: What employers want is precisely what young people lack -  "Experience". In fact, too many employers want the "finished product". Businesses need to think about social investment not just financial profit, although there is also a business case for apprenticeships. Nine out of ten employers, nationally, that have apprentices are satisfied with them. We all have a responsibility to one another.

So, what are we doing?

 

With the brilliant support of Stratford Town Trust, we now have a part-time Employability Co-ordinator, whose task is to "close the gap between school and business, and between young people and enterprising adults, through mentoring".

• More chances for youth volunteering? We hope so.

• More openings for work experience and apprenticeships? Yes please.

• More paid work for young people? You bet.

Because when a million young people are being discarded at the start of their working lives, we have to start somewhere. Let's start local and let's start now.

For more information contact Kirsty at Lifespace Trust on 01789 297400 or info@lifespace.org.uk

Note:

 

If helping young people in employability matters to you, please consider making a donation. We are a small independent charity in South Warwickshire that relies on voluntary giving to continue. Please visit www.lifespace.org.uk and use our VirginMoneyGiving widget to make a secure and easy donation, or call and speak to Ros in the office. 

The Meaning of Mentoring

Here’s your challenge:

You have thirty seconds to mentally list all the TALKS, LECTURES, SERMONS (etc.) that have positively influenced your life. Go.

How many did you remember?
Now, given a further thirty seconds, this time mentally list all the PEOPLE who have influenced you for good. Go.
How many names are on that list? Is your second list longer than the first? I thought so.

Safe Places and Sign Posts
There is a universal truth at work here - people are mostly influenced by people – and there is a universal way this happens, called ‘Mentoring’. For all the awesome podcasts and inspirational talks that we are rightly thank-full for, give me a one-to-one mentoring conversation (over coffee) anytime.
Over the years mentoring has been defined by numerous academics and practitioners, most laconically perhaps as ‘a brain to pick, an ear to listen and a nudge in the right direction’ (John C. Crosby, American former-politician). I would add ‘a heart to touch’ at the start of that definition.
Mentoring has endured. It spans cultures and faiths; it connects genders and industries; it bridges generations and personal worldviews.
We might even say that at its best mentoring offers a safe place in life’s storms, a signpost at life’s junctions, and a stretching process at life’s edges. But maybe that's just me trying to get poetic about it.

Acting For Help
In my day-to-day work, looking after a mentoring-based charity I founded in 2004, each year provides us with new chances to reach out and influence over 100 emerging young men (yes, we work with amazing girls too). In fact, close to 70% of our total number of requests(from schools, families and agencies) are boys, underlining Australian psychologist Steve Biddulph’s observation that “girls ‘ask for help’ whereas boys ‘act for help’.” It’s one of those generally-true generalisations.

A Two Way Street

While ‘Mentoring’ as a term increasingly comes into vogue, its rise causes confusion and misuse. Dr. Kate Philip, of University of Aberdeen, says it is so widely used it has come to be almost meaningless. Let's make it clear: Mentoring is distinctive from befriending (a social focus), different to counselling (a therapeutic focus) and not the same as coaching (a performance and skills focus). Yet mentoring reaches into each of these other forms of help by way of the core communication-process skills it draws on – such as active listening, attentive questioning and specific feedback. In a nutshell, mentoring is ultimately about character and capability. Becoming who you really are to do what you really must do.

Time For Stories

How come people have a deeper longer-lasting sway over us than sermons, however well-pitched, rehearsed and spiritual? Mentoring goes beyond picking brains, lending ears, and pushing people on. It reaches deeply into our Personal Stories. As U.S. author Don Miller once tweeted, “Your Advice sends me on my way. Your Story comes with me.” Mentoring opens the door for our unique and quirky individual stories to be exchanged. It is a two way street, not one way, and this is where it diverts from counselling and coaching. Mentoring presses play on the possibility of both people changing - it is not expert-led, but maturity-led.

Mentoring is a narrative-nudging gift for us on earth, to both become the people we ourselves aspire to be, and enable others to become all that God intends them to be too. Even in a society obsessed with iContact more than eye contact, where we are so easily ruled by goggle-boxes and google-searches, people will always need each other. We have an in-built hunger for words to become Flesh and sermons to become Stories. Search Engines can retrieve a trillion bits of information at the click-click of a mouse but one thing they can’t do. They can’t find us meaning. Only people can do that.

A Task

May I suggest a task? Who on your mental list of positive people can you say “thank you” to for their influence on you? In turn, is there someone – whether in your street, office or contacts list – that you could be a safe place for? Go ahead. Be a part of Someone’s Story.

The Small Head and Big Ears of Love

Have you noticed that it gets less mention on the nightly news than the weather or MP expenses? Yet it is a language every human has the ability to respond to. Love is like oxygen. Easy to miss but impossible to live without.

The Big Baddies?

Yesterday I heard another report has come out analysing the causes of the English summer riots of 2011. Allegedly, who and what is to blame?

1.       Poor parenting

2.       Lack of respect for the Police

3.       Schools providing lack of literacy support

4.       Too much consumerism

5.       Lack of opportunities for young people.

The report possibly has some noble things to say but will it mention the L-word? Love, or the sheer stupid lack of it.  Why don’t we talk about it? We focus on what we talk about.

Why isn’t Love the central theme of the school curriculum, the government budget or the bottom line in the Annual report? When did it slip off the radar?

Now, I’m considering whether ‘mentoring’ is ‘love’ by another name. This ancient tradition of giving time, exchanging stories, and nurturing life in another.

‘Love One Another’ is the concept = ‘Mentor One Another’ is the practice.

 “I feel loved when…”

I asked my kids to finish a sentence recently. You could do this for yourself if you like:

Daddy: ‘Okay kids, here’s how it works. I say the sentence and you finish it. “I feel loved when…”  - what would you say?’

My daughter (age 5): (She jumps up and down on the spot as if sparks of electricity are charging through her) “I feel loved when….when….um….when…when I have cuddles and kisses from daddy.”

My eldest son (age 7): “I feel loved when we play games together, daddy.” He subsequently listed more games than I can remember.

My kids haven’t read Gary Chapman’s ‘The Five Love Languages’…or they have but haven’t told me, but they reveal the truth of it. Love is rich in the way it can be shown – through time together; gifts given; touch offered; words spoken; actions done. My dad is an Action(s) Man. My wife is a Gifts Girly. We all have a preference or two it seems.

Love delights in difference and diversity.

Back to Big Baddy Number One…

Poor parenting. The riots happened because of poor parenting? Really? Parents can only love if they first know love - surely. If we blame the parents, then what about the parents’ parents? Where does it lead? How far back do we have to go? So let’s blame the teachers, and the Police, and the media….and...and...

Let’s take this to the only logical conclusion there is. We Are All Responsible. We Are All Responsible For Love.

Neither you nor I can change what happened last summer. Awful things happened, and I’m still hoping there will be a report which doesn’t just blame-find and finger-point.

Time For Positive Finger Pointing

If we’re going to point fingers, what would happen if we point firstly at these words, and then point to ourselves…?

“Love is patient” – love doesn’t take time. It gives time.

“Love is kind” – it believes you are more than you think you are.

“It does not envy, boast, nor is it proud.” – Love is easy to overlook because it has a small head with big ears.

“It values others, rather than saying ‘me first’…” – Who wouldn’t admire someone with this attitude?

“It keeps no record of wrongs” – Love has a brilliant memory problem.

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – Love isn’t for softees. Love is robust and energetic.

Love never fails. I know I have deeply failed at times. My parents failed me, sometimes. My kids fail everso occasionally. My teachers failed to do something about me being bullied for four years. We’re definitely all in this one together.

"But three remain: faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love."

Love Is. Fullstop. 

An extra mile?

“Anybody can do what I’m doing but you’ve got to want it with all your heart.”

Pat Farmer is possibly not a name you’ve heard of, unless Australian Politics is your specialist Mastermind subject. And although Pat Farmer may not be a name you remember for long, his feat may be something you never forget. Perhaps his feet will also linger long in your memory.

Have you ever felt pushed to the limit? You know that gnawing sense of wanting to give up, when each day lasts 25 hours and each week is nine days long? I guess most of us have.

If this is the case right now, then remember Pat’s words. 

“Anybody can do what I’m doing but you’ve got to want it with all your heart.” 

Pat is a former car mechanic who on the 19th January this year - having been out for a run - finally arrived at his destination. His journey took him through snow blizzards and sweltering jungles; he faced armed bandits and polar bears; he narrowly avoided being killed by a crashing-truck and he ended up with two black feet that resembled mince meat. He’s not black, just his feet.

For 288 days, Pat ran. 

From the North Pole, to the South Pole, Pat ran. In one go, through 14 countries without a day off. As amazing as he is, he didn’t actually run across the seas in between, though.

Pat clocked up 13,000 miles, running equivalent to 500 marathons in a row without a break. Most days were 50-milers. 

But there was a reason. 

There is always a reason to keep going and not give up, you just have to find it and hold onto it. Hold onto it tightly with both hands and both feet if necessary.

“People think I’m some kind of superhuman. But I hurt all night. And in the morning I’m like a cripple until I get going and loosened up" says Pat.

None of us are super-human but we can all choose to keep going towards our horizon when we hold onto our reasons. 

What kept Pat going? “I endured a lot on the run but the people of South America, East Timor and Africa who have no clean water. Those victims of earthquakes and flood and famines. They have it tough too.” Pat was running for Red Cross and raising awareness of their work around the world. Even the Polar Bears know about them now.

Reading Pat’s story (1) has jolted my perception of what’s tough...again. For what it’s worth, here are three thoughts his story provokes in me:

1. Look out. We all need a cause beyond ourselves to help us through tough times. A picture bigger than our own portrait. “Who else is this goal / task for?”
2. Think long. While I’m not (yet) tempted to run 500 marathons on the bounce, I like that sense of a joined-up journey. Of making the horizon of dreams stretch out beyond the span of my own control. “Where - and to whom - does this goal lead me next?”
3. Start here. Even when your feet are mashed and your bones ache and you’ve hurt all night, just go another step.  All the steps join up. “I’ve come this far” can be an energy-giving thought while you loosen up.

So, whatever you and I face right now - however steep the climb, foggy the view, or puzzling the place we find ourselves - let's remember Pat Farmer. He believes. So can we.

“Anybody can do what I’m doing but you’ve got to want it with all your heart.”

(1) Men's Running magazine, April 2012, pp.23-24. Story by Jon Edwards.

I Just Want To Praise You!

How good does it feel when someone notices you've done a good job on something? When you hear those words "Well done for...!" and you know all the effort was worthwhile?

Hey, most people don't mind getting a bit of praise now and then. Consider how praise gives us energy to persevere. To succeed. To excel.

(Well done for reading this far by the way).

Being praised is one of those profoundly normal human needs, along with chocolate and sleep. Not necessarily in that order. Praise is - according to psychologist and author Stephen Biddulph - especially vital for boys. And I think it's necessary for girls too - with a tweek.

But. (There's that word). But...sometimes praise doesn't do it's job. Sometimes it ricochets off the edge of the target, like aiming waste paper at the bin and it hits the rim and, oh, you get the idea.

So - here are THREE HANDY THINGS to understand about praise. How to get it "in".

1. Praise specifically

General praise is a nuisance - like a plastic bag twitching in the air on a blustery day. For praise to be effective you have to get a hold of it and put some content in it. Notice the difference between a teacher saying "You did really well today" and "You did really well at sitting still and asking questions today". Get rid of the ambiguity. Make it so that next time the person knows what to do - precisely.

But don't list too many things. Praising 47 specific things might send them to sleep.

2. Praise process, not just result

Put aside the skewiff obsession with grades and results. Process matters. 'How' not just 'What'. Understanding 'how' builds capacity and resilience for the future. Prof. Carol Dweck from Stanford University has written some fab stuff about 'Fixed' vs. 'Growth' mindset in a book called - wait for it - "Mindset".

A quick story:

I watched my 5 year old daughter swimming the other day. When it came to her doing front crawl I thought she had turned into an octopus. Arms and legs were all over the place. Olympic-material for 2028 she certainly wasn't. And yet I could see the sheer almost-tear-filled determination in her eyes as she looked over at me.

As if to say "Daddy - how did I do?"

My 'bigtime thumbs up' from the parents' viewing gallery was for her awesome effort. Not for looking like a sea creature from the deep. Truth is, we can only steer something that's moving and praise keeps people moving. Even if they look like an octopus for a while.

(Hey, well done for picturing an octopus just then).

Praising the process - "I can see you're working hard" helps people nurture a mindset of 'I can get better at this' and avoid the binary mindset of 'Am I good at this or not?' Thinking in terms of 'Success/Failure' is at the brink of many problems.

3. Praise the person in front of you

Back to the boy/girl thing. Let me suggest a generalisation that's often (not-always-but-often) true. Boys usually prefer 'Deadpan Praise' and girls usually prefer 'Energetic praise'.
More true is that quieter personalities - introverts let's say - receive praise easier if it's delivered quieter, with care. More gregarious folks - extroverts - receive praise more readily if it's got some oomph, emotion and high five-ness about it.

Put it to the test. Notice what happens. Adjust.

One thing is for sure. We all live in the same room, the 'room for improvement' and it's the biggest room in the world. Life is far more fun - and easier - when we fill that room with the sound of praise.

Imagine that.

Running Red Lights

I admit it was exhilarating at the time.

As I looked at the road ahead, it was a continuous line of traffic lights, all showing red. This was Leeds  City Ring Road at its most ferocious on a September weekend.

I raced through the first one. Then the second. That's when I noticed the Police. But I kept going, the adrenalin thundering in my body. The Police stayed put. I pushed my luck and went through a third. This time I thought I saw the Police applaud.

This was odd. The Police were cheering me on as I raced through red lights.

Can you remember a time when you 'saw red'? When you broke through a barrier despite the warning signals?

In our mentoring work, we frequently speak to young people who have run 'red lights' emotionally. The consequences include broken fists, holes left in walls and fences, and broken ankles. But it's not just the physical impact. What about the mental consequences? The lost peace of mind? The worry, the confusion?

I guess most of us have run red lights from time to time. We've been on that journey where anger has unfortunately evolved into aggression. It doesn't have to. It could collapse into withdrawal or stand up for itself and become assertive bargaining. But often the default of angry actions is 'aggression'.

So, whether you're prone to 'fight' or 'take flight' when the red lights are glowing and your body is acting like an alarm clock, here's a few thoughts to police yourself, or others around you if they're the red-lighters.

A - Acknowledge
Acknowledge something's up. Acknowledge the rising tension. Acknowledge the clenching fists, teeth, and...um...buttocks? (Will have to check that last one out). Acknowledge what has been lost. Remember that's why anger springs up in the first place. That's why it's part of our human wiring. It rapidly draws our attention to the fact that something important to us has been lost. Acknowledge what it is - lost respect? Lost time? Lost opportunity? Name it.

B - Buy yourself time (and keep Breathing!)
When the brain is sending out its 'red warning lights', a highly toxic class of steroid is being released (glucocorticoids) which has the effect of shrinking our brains. Yes, your brain can shrink. The sea-horse shaped part of the brain called the hippocampus - that piece of our neurological jigsaw in charge of learning and memory - shrinks. Hands up if you want a smaller brain? To counter this, to help the stress-steroid process 'ASAP' (it takes at least about 10 minutes), Buy Yourself Some Time. As yet, this is something you can't get from Amazon so go for a walk. Find a safe place. Get fresh air. And breathe deeply. "Four in up the nose; Eight out through the mouth" as a midwife might say. Buy Yourself Some Bonus Time. Give your brain a chance to think. Breathing helps you control your brain which in turn controls, well, I guess the brain controls quite a few things most days.

C - Can't, Can, Choose
Don't think about doing what you can't do. Do do what you can do. Yes, I really said 'do do'. When 'red lights' are stretching out ahead of you, there will be somethings that are not in your control, and may never be. The weather, the economy and the school curriculum are at least three. As our good cigar-puffing hero Winston Churchill once said when faced with his own 'red lights'... "I make two lists. I list all the things I can't control. Then I list all the things I can control. I do something about all those things I can control. Then... I go to sleep." Choose to do something positive that you are in control of.

Acknowledge what's up. Buy some time. Choose something positive.

That autumnal day in Leeds lives with me still. The day that I just kept going. Red light after red light. Whatever possessed me?

Truth be told, the Police were cheering and clapping me and thousands of other runners on. A river of runners in colourful vests tackling the Leeds half marathon, with city roads closed for the occasion.

My only way out here is to say that you don't have to stop at every red light - but do notice it and decide an appropriate course of action. The Police might be watching and I can't promise that they'll clap.

You're Gorgeous

What do you say to yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror?

I regularly ask groups of teenagers this question. I present them with 30 words – such as ugly, cheerful, selfish, kind – and they get to choose any five words as to how they describe themselves. Over the past few years a pattern has emerged. When I ask how many of them have ‘more positive words than negative’ a few tentative almost guilty hands go up. Invert the question, and there is a mass rush. The stats? About 96% are in this second group.

Fact: Most teenagers have a real downer on themselves.

So, what do you say to yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror?

What would you change? What do you see that you really like?

The first time I was airbrushed was painless. It was involuntarily for the front cover of our marriage service sheet where I was made to look like George Clooney. No, actually it was just the ‘odd blemish’ that was vaporised. Man, I looked unreal.

The truth is this: Most people want to change something about how they look. There’s far too much comparing body to body that goes on and not enough ‘maybe I’m okay as I am’. Sure, many people want to look their best which is great, and that’s very different to believing they don’t look ‘good enough’ which presents itself as a constant striving for something new.

This issue of airbrushing is something that teenagers tell me affects how they feel about themselves. Girls particularly, but not exclusively. They’re clued up to the unrealism of por*ography and the intimacy-void it promotes and fails to fulfil. Airbrushed sex. Hmmm, not very romantic.

Many young people are genuinely surprised when we unveil the extent of photo-shopping in the media – natural body marks and even bones wiped out. Necks elongated, eyes widened, noses shrunk, busts expanded. It all gets ‘the treatment’.

Fact: Much of what we see on billboards, magazine pages, glossy brochures isn’t real. They’re not real people.

They don’t exist.

They’re not people you can become Friends with on Facebook.

Those finished specimens don’t have their own fingerprints.

This issue was brought home to me last week. Quite literally it was brought home to me through the letter box in a plastic wrap. The front cover model of Runner’s World UK had an image of a runner without sweat - which is fair enough because he was in a studio not the Great Outdoors. But the bloke had legs smoother than a lady from a BaByLis advert and a streamlined jaw which was too perfect for my liking. Possibly just jaw-jealousy that last bit.

Those who know me know I’m a runner.  Running is definitely not about airbrushing. Running is not about instant change. Running is not about looking perfect for a roadside billboard. Running is about coping with life’s tricky stuff whatever that is for the individual, taking control of your headspace, and by pounding the road or trails for mile after struggling mile turning it all into something positive. So you can look at your sweaty puddle-splattered body in the mirror and say ‘well done’. 

Because I do believe really and truly that it is not what’s on the outside that matters so much. But getting to a place, however skewiffy the process might have been or still is, of accepting yourself.

Being able to look at yourself in the mirror and say “Hey, you’re alright.” Honestly, when was the last time you did that?

The psalmist David uses a phrase. He writes that the The Creator of All Things looks at you and says you are ‘the apple of his eye’. Bible-speak for ‘You’re flippin’ gorgeous, just as you are’.

“Wave your hands in the air” I sometimes say to the gathering of young people. “Look super carefully at your fingerprints. Notice the swirls and loops and arches.” A hundred adolescent heads peer at their fingertips and whispered jokes begin and – honestly – looks of amazement occur. For some it’s as if they’re thinking “On my goodness! Who just put those fingerprints there!?”

“There’s the proof. No-one else on planet earth has those same marks. Seven billion people alive today, and only you have that set of marks. Proof that you are unique. You are a rare species of one. You’re flippin’ gorgeous just as you are.”

It’s a simple exercise, but a truth-filled one. If the Advertising industry had its way I daresay our fingerprints would be airbrushed away. I fear for the day that “compareyourself.com” is launched. How dare we be ourselves.

Fact: Most if not all of us want to be accepted as we are. No more trying to prove ourselves, compare ourselves, digitally enhance ourselves.

Now, what would that be like?

Yes, I have contacted Runner’s World UK about their front covers asking about their image enhancement policy. They might ignore me, again. But at least I can look myself in the eye, in the mirror, and remind myself that I’m alright. Maybe not George Clooney, but I’m alright.

And you? Hey, you’re gorgeous. Remember that next time you look at yourself in the mirror.

Mentoring: The problem with 'BUT'

Ever wondered about the impact of your 'BUT'? 

Not as in 'Does your butt look big in this?'... as in 'What effect does saying 'but' have on what you're communicating?' 

The word 'BUT' is a lazy way of saying you disagree with someone. "Yeah I hear what you're saying BUT..." (But = I don't really hear what you're saying at all...)

‘But’ is like a hole in the road.

How about using the word 'AND' instead? Far more seamless, more...elegant. "Yeah I hear what you're saying AND..." (And = I do hear what you're saying, and my opinion is different and can sit alongside yours...)

Sure, use BUT if you want to break rapport, close down conversation or stir up a heated debate. There's a time for that.... And there's also the time now to use cleaner and clearer language. 

Enjoy playing with it, and notice what happens...

Mentoring: Rear View Mirrors

It counts as one of the most, let's say "unexpected" days of my life. 


The paintballing trip for our students didn't look too promising when we had to pull our minibus over on the way there.  One unconfessing 15 year old was shooting a BB gun at the driver's head.


I was the driver.


From there things escalated into chaos, or de-escalated into hell, depending on whether you're standing on your head, because I may as well have been. Between the three staff - all of us respectable teachers from the College - we managed to round up most of our students just before the knife got used by a rivalling school gang. But not before the plank of wood with rusty nails in had connected with the leg of a kid from another School. Great planning this was. Don't ask me whether the plank 'knocked any sense' into them. 


Paintballing guns. Knives. Hoodies. BB guns. Street talk and odd hand waving gestures. I had been cast into a low grade Snoop Dogg video, when all I really wanted was Snoopy.


Reverse Gear


With the College minibus door finally shut, and a dozen roudy-singing-so-loudly-you'd-think-they-were-drunk students piling on top of each other, I stuck it into reverse gear.


That's when I had a fresh appreciation for the sturdiness of trees.


And the not-so-sturdiness of College minibuses. 


Imagine the scene: Twelve rioting teenagers trapped in a minibus that's collided with a tree in an attempt to escape World War IV. The words 'I'm a teacher get me out of here!' would rarely have been more appropriate. Thank goodness all this is nearly 10 years ago.


Rear View Mirrors Are Under-Rated


Ah, the Rear View Mirror. It's an under-rated thing, isn't it. Along with humming. Under-rated.


But there is such tremendous value in stopping and looking at what's behind us, now and again. Not just in the literal Rear View Mirror which thankfully come with most models of vehicle in the UK, even minibuses. I mean the metaphorical one that is in our imaginations. The Rear View Mirror of Mentoring, as it were. 


It's all too easy to remember and rehearse today's problems and forget that some of yesterday's or last years have gone. D i s a p p e a r e d.  Hey, how did that happen? 


Quick Thinking Task


1. Pick a problem you've come through - Something where you are now living in the light at the end of the tunnel. 
2. Enjoy the fact you're through it. Smile. Deep breath. Hey, you're through it!
3. Now think about what specifically helped you through... Can you list 5 things? 
People? Behaviours? Mental strategies? Risks? Changing something? Keep going 'til you reach at least five.
Because there's vital things to learn and carry with you for whatever you face next. You will face another mountain, challenge or problem, and part of your toolkit for moving forward is right there in the Rear View Mirror.


I like the fact that - right now - I am at home and nowhere near a dented College minibus. Or a rioting band of teenagers. 


I've learned to look around for help a little more often, to recognise my limitations a little more quickly - including minibus driving - and if something stresses you out then you've got to do what you can do, and not what you can't. Those lads also taught me that disasters aren't usually personal however much they can feel that way. Oh, and I've learned that now and again it's really good to pause and look back. 


Because you never know if someone's just planted a 100 year old oak tree next to you.

The problem with Father Christmas

Do you remember that childhood occupation of writing your Christmas letter to Father Christmas? The excitement you had at dreaming up what else you could add to the list? There was that lovely innocent belief, wasn’t there, that you could decide something you wanted, scribble it down and - hey presto - in just a short period of time it would be delivered to your fireplace / the foot of your bed / under the tree* (*delete as applicable) With a “Ho Ho Ho” included.

Prepare yourself for bad news.

Father Christmas never got those letters. There were no magic elves.

If you got anything off your list it was (take a deep breath) down to the sheer hard work, sacrifice and organisation of others. Now I’m a parent of three small children I know how much effort it takes to deliver the goods – I watch my wife do a great job of organising the whole process!

Now I wonder how this connects to young people in school, or to you and I? 

What we DO come across in our mentoring work are young people (some, not all) who live and breathe with the corrosive idea lurking in their amazing minds that "whatever I want in life will just arrive". Maybe not in a red sack / pillow / sock* (*you get the idea) but that the universe will conspire to make it happen for them…but somehow without their involvement.

You start asking...When did they decide to become a passenger in their own magnificent life, the one that they have Chief Responsibility to lead? At what point does the penny drop that Accomplishment requires Action. Persistent, informed, purposeful action. Sometimes, the penny never drops.

The mentoring and education work of Lifespace revolves around the absolute passionate intention of helping young people lead their own lives in the direction they really want to go. Don't wait for Santa, because he ain't comin'.

Sometimes nurturing a young person’s belief in themselves can be harder than convincing them that Father Christmas might be out there. The obstacles seem many and are audible.

“But I can’t… But I tried… I can’t be bothered…I’m just not any good at…” Yet ask them what they want, and many people, not just teenagers, have a spark of an idea about how they want their life to be different. The limiting belief creates a limited range of behaviours.

Our advice to those people wanting to succeed at something?

Firstly, get clear on what you do want. Yes, writing it out does help, then you can SEE what you’re thinking. Just not addressed to Santa.  Keep the wording positive and succinct. Be specific. Make sure it’s something you are in control of.

Secondly, consider what you need. Who can you talk to? What can you read about it? Who can you model who does it well? What in your past can you squeeze learning from? Rethink the past “gravestones of failure” as “milestones of feedback”. Your past isn’t what you thought it was. We've all failed at something, this no WAY means we are failures.

Thirdly, decide and do something. Then notice what happens. No the Elves won’t put in an extra shift on your behalf, but it’s strange how change always follows action which always follows decision. The world looks different depending on our attitude towards it.

Finally, adjust and keep going. Once you’re taking control of the steering wheel of your life, you have to keep your eyes on the road...

…you just never know when a stray reindeer might appear.