Centre of the universe?

Pinned to a wooden beam above my desk is a single piece of paper. The edges curl a little. Upon it is written a question. Each time I read it I search a little more for an answer. I hope I'm getting closer.

The question is this:

"What is the question at the centre of this organisation, around which everything else revolves?"

It's not a mission statement, nor a list of values all beginning with the letter "P". Yes, mission and values matter, but this is a question. What is it about questions which propel our thinking onward, keeping us curious? I wonder.

Copernicus - wondering whether to let
the world know it wasn't quite
where it thought it was.

The question was inspired by the story of Greek astronomer Claudius Ptolemy who in 127 AD postulated that the earth sits bone idle at the epicenter of our universe whilst the sun, moon and other planets dance around it.  Ptolemy's map shows the planets doing drunken loop-the-loops around the earth. Orbital acrobatics. For over 1,400 years his theory was assumed correct.
 Fourteen hundred years!

That's longer than it takes to get a dentist appointment.

Then Polish mathematician-astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus observed the earth in fact rotated daily on its axis and revolved yearly around the sun. I expect 1,400 years of a skewed understanding of the solar system was hard wired in people's thinking. They believed what had always just been believed. Imagine daring to explain this new 'heliocentric' discovery to the King and Pope, and all without the aid of PowerPoint. Copernicus was not popular. Change wasn't all the rage in 1543. But his courage to challenge assumptions opened up a whole new way of understanding the system within which we live.

Why bother with the question? Because I am animated about something. In the last decade the number of young people nationally who are prescribed anti-depressants has doubled (source: World Health Organisation, 2016). Self-harm, anxiety, stress and depression continue to escalate and the thing is, nobody is surprised. This bothers me.

It bothers me that the mental health of this rising generation is spinning so dangerously out of control. Imagine the impact on our future workforce. Our social systems are doing loop-the-loops, dancing madly around deeply-held assumptions that evidently are not enriching the well-being of young people. Assumptions about assessments and measurements and standards. Some helpful, but not all.  

Lifespace Trust works to see the "mental wealth" of the next generation released, because the challenges on our tiny spinning planet are very real:

Climate change and finite resources; political unrest; international tensions and terrorism. Time is precious. X-Factor doesn’t have the answer.

Young people are not just younger, they are also newer with insights adults haven't considered. I wonder, in our information-saturated society, are we giving them the time, space and skills to think? To shift from “having thoughts” (noun) to knowing how “to think” (verb) for themselves. Has knowledge based on the past replaced the wisdom we need for the future? It would have been easier for Copernicus to keep quiet. Let the planets do their thing. Shrug his shoulders and move on.

Jotted at the bottom of my piece of paper, in hurried scrawl, is a response to my question:

"How else can we help every young person connect to their highest potential?"

Now, what would that be like?

The Gift Of Attention

I watched, intrigued.

The 12 year old lad, with whom I was sat in the school chapel for his mentoring session, was teaching me something that morning which will stay with me. We had met most weeks for two terms. He was a talented artist and had ideas for his future but had missed a considerable amount of school with anxiety-based issues. "My tummy goes mad", he said, "then my migraines come on, and I just want to hide for days" he said. He gazed through the stained glass windows as if imagining what was beyond them. 

My question loitered in the air: "So, what do you already know that can help you?"

For the next twenty minutes I didn't drop my eyes from his, although he mostly looked through the window. Occasionally he checked I was still there, watching. Watching with my eyes, posture, face. But more than watching. Paying attention.

That's a funny phrase isn't it, "paying attention". It makes it sound like a transaction. Is attention an expenditure? Something which costs us? No, I didn't feel like I was paying attention, but giving attention. The gift of quiet, holding back as best I could my adult-styled interruptions, and letting him think for himself. Is that against the rules, for young people to think for themselves?

For twenty minutes we sat, and he thought out loud. My not-very-clever question simply intended to challenge the assumption that he wasn't the expert on himself. He is. He knows himself best. For twenty minutes. Silences and murmurs, and then he emerged with conclusions. "Now I know I can face people, it's just sometimes I think I can't. But I know now how to change a bad thought into a good thought." He looked up and glowed with a smile.

I asked him to repeat what he'd said. It was illuminating: to know you can (in your heart) but think you can't (in your head); and therefore decide you can change your thought. What else changes when you change one thought? Remembering thoughts are just that, thoughts. Not reality. Not truth. Just thoughts which come and go.

Maybe he left the school chapel changed, maybe not. He seemed to enjoy the chance to think. What he demonstrated is what happens when we give deliberate gentle attention, and get out the way of trying to be the Big Answer. 

The gift of attention is a gift we can all give.

Revision...made easier

We've all been there haven't we?

Knowing a certain task needs doing, right about NOW, but feeling like our oomph has disappeared. *Checks in pockets. Opens and closes draws. No. No sign of Oomph*

 

Our get up and go seems to have strecthed its legs and quietly left the building, checking Twitter as it goes. If only we could keep our oomph in a safe place, eh? The truth is that motivation is not complicated, we just need a few starting points.

The Escape Key decided to live up to its name...
and went off to find your Oomph.

As exam time looms, and the word  'Revision' (said in a whisper) becomes ever present on the lips of parents and teachers, it's possible that someone you know will be facing this motivation dilemma on a daily basis.

 

Maybe someone in your household.

 

Maybe it's you.

 

In our mentoring work at Lifespace Trust we will be working closely with about a hundred young people who will be sick to death of the R word by the end of April.

 

 

So, for their indulgence, here are just four simple tips to make it a touch easier, all beginning with... the letter R.

 

1. Realistic.

Some things just aren't realistic for some young people, like not checking Facebook for a week. Not staying up too late. Not putting their dishes in the sink. Exam time is NOT going to turn a teenager into a Saint. But the good news is that many essentials of 'how to revise' are within reach of most young people.
 

Tip one - set a realistic goal for each day. For example, five hours revision a day may not be realistic and may cause stress and friction, and constant checking of Twitter. But an hour before dinner and an hour afterwards as a minimum may well be. Keep your goals do-able. If you're not in the mood, start with the idea of doing just ten minutes, then notice how you get into it. Starting is the hardest part. Accept it takes time for the brain to warm up.

 

2. Routine.

We do many things without trying simply because they are part of our routine. They are a
habit. Putting your trousers on before you go out the door? Tick. Cleaning your teeth so you don't knock your friends out? Tick. Those are good routines.

Tip Two - revision needs to be routine, not ad hoc.

Stick to the same place for revising the same subject (but using different rooms for different subjects can also work). Stick to the same start and finish time, just like having a dinner time and a bedtime. Find your rhythm and you will waste less time and mental energy convincing yourself to make a start.

 

3. Recycle.

Immediately after revising, the brain does this special thing called forgetting. By recycling I

don't mean collecting your exam notes and putting them through the shredder, tempting as that might be. I mean at the end of each day flick through what you've just revised, again.

Think about the word 'Revision': To look at again and again.

 

Tip Three - At the end of each day/week, flick through what you've revised. Go over and over, not in depth, but in breadth. Give yourself a few minutes to have some 'A-ha! Oh yeah!' moments. Pause if you have to.

 

4. Result.

Ask yourself the question "How will I feel when I HAVE done this piece of work?" Fast forward an hour or two.

Tip four - Focus on what the result will be like. Then picture yourself doing what you
need to be doing. When we shift our focus from our current mood (e.g. boredom) to our
desired mood (e.g. satisfaction) we can find the door to our Oomph is unlocked, and
pushed ajar, ready to let us back in.

 

Finally, I remember the day before I ran the Dublin marathon walking past a billboard which read: "There may be days when you don't feel you can. But there will be a lifetime knowing that you have." Now is the time to make the difference. No teenager I've worked with over the last 18 years ever regretted being too prepared. Because when you've given your all, there is another R to look forward to. Relaxing in the knowledge you gave it 100%.

Press Pause!

Go on, admit it, you've done it too haven't you? You've quietly counted how many days it is until Christmas. Whether by fingers or in your mind, you've figured out how much time you have left until you are THERE. Gosh, it sounds so...final!

 

And I'm not even mentioning the
Waitrose advert with the bear...

Maybe you've also done that "quick frantic shake of the head" because it can't be true, can it? Christmas in HOW many days?

 

You demand a recount, desperately searching for extra fingers that signify extra days, or an extra head in which to download the stress that the very idea of Christmas conjures up. Well, be thankful you don't have two heads. *checks in mirror*

But before pressing down on the accelerator and za-za-zooming into the rest of December at ninety miles an hour, press pause. *gives a long deep sigh*

Why not take a few moments right now to consider where you've been, how far you've come, what you're proud of about this year?

 

With eleven months gone, there are some good things in the rear view mirror of 2013 that you could keep in mind.  Why? Because your body hears everything your mind says, and if your mind is full of all the Xmas-stress to come then you can guarantee your body will be full of that tension too. *does a slow roll of the head from one side to the other* Give yourself some time, pace yourself.

Take a moment to look back,
notice how far you've come...
(image courtesy of Instant Imprints)

A well known American running coach, John Bingham, says his advice to any wannabe marathon runner is just two words: "Start slow" he says. Sound advice. Having just run my eleventh marathon, this time across the glory of the Sussex Downs, to Mr. Bingham's pithy wisdom I would add my own two words - "Finish well".

And this is where marathon running meets the stress-filled onslaught of Christmas: that as the winter temperature drops and the seasonal to-do list rises, choose to finish the year well. You've made it this far. There have been difficult moments for us all, probably some regrets and some stuff that did your head in too. We all get that, because we're all human.

In our mentoring work at Lifespace Trust, we often pick up working with young people whose time at school is close to being off the rails - for all kinds of valid reasons. Our encouragement to them is that it doesn't have to finish that way; that the past doesn't have to determine the future. That to move forward it's vital to not lose touch with the good things inside them; to not consign previous achievements or positive memories - however easy to dismiss - to the box marked history.

 

Finishing well is a choice, not an accident.

Let's face it. The 'THERE' of Christmas will get here soon enough, one day at a time. No sooner, no later. So right now, choose to finish your 2013 well. Whatever kind of year it has been so far for you. Decide what that looks like for you - a card of appreciation to someone; a debt paid off or an apology made; a bad habit stopped; an important friendship revitalised.

 

Perhaps this is the best present to give yourself this Christmas.

You decide: What does finishing well look like for you?

 

Job for life?

Job for life?

Can you remember your early experiences of work?

 

Work you got paid for and made you feel like "wow, so this is what employment can be like!" Our early experiences can  really shape our expectations for the future, can't they.

 
For some of us it was Bob-a-job week with Scouts.

I remember knocking on doors at age 12 with my older brother, sauntering through the village in our dark green scout shirts on hot May days. We would polish shoes and wash flowerpots for fifty pence - character building stuff! It was about serving folk in the community, being enterprising and making enough pennies to pay for our summer camp!


Perhaps it was work experience during school that provided a taster for you? In our mentoring work at Lifespace Trust, I recently spoke to a lad who worked at Shepperton Studios learning about film sets and animation. More glamorous than my two weeks in an Accountant's office in Guildford learning about Supercalc 5 and bank reconciliations. But I loved it. I went on to get a degree in Accountancy.

HORRIBLE HEADLINES

Recent reports by the Chartered Institute for Personnel Development (CIPD) and Business In The Community (BITC) are giving us details about the horrible headline of youth unemployment in our country with 1 in 5 young people aged 16-24 out of paid work. It is wrong that it is like this. There is a significant mismatch between employers and young people, and the problem isn't just elsewhere, it is local to South Warwickshire too.

MORE THAN YOU THINK?

Don't just consider the drain on the welfare budget, more vitally we are talking about a whole generation who are learning about worklessness and worthlessness.

And as for the damage done to young people's mental health... Our job shouldn't define our worth but it does give us a context to discover it and demonstrate it. For all the TV talent shows which reinforce the celebrity culture we have enthroned, thousands of young people are having their more useful and worthy talents ignored. Of course, it's not just a question of talent, but of giving opportunities to learn and discover what they are capable of in a supported way.

One teenager who struggles with the impact of dyslexia in school is realising his hyper-visual brain (people with dyslexia think in pictures, not sounds) means he is amazing with repairing car engines. Spelling is a struggle but he's got his own X Factor!

CATCH 22

But here's the catch-22: What employers want is precisely what young people lack -  "Experience". In fact, too many employers want the "finished product". Businesses need to think about social investment not just financial profit, although there is also a business case for apprenticeships. Nine out of ten employers, nationally, that have apprentices are satisfied with them. We all have a responsibility to one another.

So, what are we doing?

 

With the brilliant support of Stratford Town Trust, we now have a part-time Employability Co-ordinator, whose task is to "close the gap between school and business, and between young people and enterprising adults, through mentoring".

• More chances for youth volunteering? We hope so.

• More openings for work experience and apprenticeships? Yes please.

• More paid work for young people? You bet.

Because when a million young people are being discarded at the start of their working lives, we have to start somewhere. Let's start local and let's start now.

For more information contact Kirsty at Lifespace Trust on 01789 297400 or info@lifespace.org.uk

Note:

 

If helping young people in employability matters to you, please consider making a donation. We are a small independent charity in South Warwickshire that relies on voluntary giving to continue. Please visit www.lifespace.org.uk and use our VirginMoneyGiving widget to make a secure and easy donation, or call and speak to Ros in the office. 

Coming to your senses

"Wherever you go, there you are" Jon Kabat-Zinn

Have you ever caught yourself using that fateful phrase: "I can't wait until..." Or its twin culprit "If only it was..."?

 

Yes it's important to have things to look forward to - good stuff planned ahead can provide a real energy lift. However, sometimes it's just too easy to chop out large chunks of our lives just existing from one holiday or weekend to the next!

During my first day back at work after the summer holidays I overheard someone say "I can't wait until Christmas!" At that point there were still 114 days to go. I had to work it out on a calculator. I felt sad at the thought of wanting to forward wind your life 16 weeks. The days will only ever arrive one at a time and the future will never appear any faster than that. There's no App for that, no 'iRush' software, whatever brand of mobile phone you have.

 

One simple curious day at a time, thank goodness, for each day has enough trouble and surprise of its own.

My uncle (in wheelchair), now
living with the illness MND,
but who hasn't given up
on still racing in marathons!

Over the past year I have had contact with several people who are now living with a terminal illness called Motor Neurone Disease (MND), my Uncle Andrew being one of them (see picture). A recurring theme among them is that the cruel and unwelcome arrival of this fatal degenerative condition has brought an unexpected joy. Yes, really. Joy.

 

As their limbs weaken, their speech packs up and their taste buds fade (by the way, MND is uniquely different for each person with it), it has forced them to...slow...down. In the face of total deterioration of their bodies, they have been confronted with how vital it is to experience every single moment to its fullest, while they can. As author Jon Kabat-Zinn once said, we need to get out of our heads more often...and into our bodies. My friends with MND can teach us all something life-giving.

Consider the difference between rushing through our lives, and actually noticing what we are experiencing through our senses:

 •  Instead of just eating (how mindlessly do we eat sometimes!), what if we notice the taste of each mouthful? Eat slower, taste more.

•  Instead of driving everywhere, walk somewhere. Give the brain a chance to catch up.

•  Don't zip past blackberry bushes, pick some, squish them like a two year old boy does.

•  Stand outside in the evening, close your eyes and notice what you hear. Birds? Chatter? Aeroplanes? Stay still until you can hear and sense your own breathing. Let your breath breathe you. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Remind yourself that this is it. This is your life you're in.

•  Give yourself five minutes to stare at the night sky. Notice the magnitude of life above us all.

•  As autumn progresses, take the chance to smell the roses.

•  In a conversation, allow a moment of silence and smile for the sheer sake of smiling.

Were we really designed just to lurch from one stress-filled day to another? I don't think so. Is there a better way? Yes, and it's right under our noses and at our fingertips. We need to come back to our senses and I mean that 100% literally. To pay closer attention to what we see and hear and touch and taste and smell, for each day can reveal unexpected joy.

Isn't this what we'd want to teach our young people?

 

 

Adapted from the original article featuring in Connection magazine, Oct 2013 (c) Chris Spriggs 2013

Mindfulness image courtesy of mentallywell.co.uk

Change: What can a paperclip teach us?

How do you turn a paperclip into a house? Is it possible? In fact, have you ever wondered how you take any tiny idea and achieve some brighter bolder ambition?

You might honestly think this story was made up, but it’s true. I’ve seen the photos.
Now, I’m left pondering the question…

The story of the paperclip

The story is a few years old and known as the story of ‘One Red Paperclip’. An average Canadian, Kyle MacDonald (see photo), found himself out of work and bored of sending off his C.V. in order to land a job. A job he needed to buy a house. A house he wanted so as to provide for his partner. Fair enough. He was in pursuit of ‘Something Better’ like many people are. But he didn't resign himself to days of sofa-sitting and nights of X-box playing.
He began with the single red paperclip that was holding his C.V. together on his desk.
Ironic really, that a piece of stationery symbolised his ‘stationary status’ (please pause to appreciate the clever wordplay there). He advertised the red paperclip online in exchange for anything ‘Bigger and Better’, and then waited... expectantly...


The paperclip soon turned into a fish pen (not magically you understand), the fish pen eventually – through trading - became a camp stove…a snowmobile… and up and up the exchange ladder things went until… Kyle and Dominique got their house. Truly. The striking thing is that no money was exchanged in the entire course of trading, and a lot of happy friendships were created along the way.

Just a tiny almost daft idea that triggered a risk that fuelled a belief that accomplished a dream. Plus a lot of travelling in a van.

Holding it together

It is a story that applies to us all, including to our work at Lifespace Trust, with young people who are sometimes working out whether they can – just like the red paperclip - ‘hold it together’ any longer.

Many young people we talk with feel… stuck. Have you been there? Stuck… but wanting to exchange it for ‘Something Better’. Whether that’s better relationships, better prospects, or better health. Sometimes they perceive themselves as boxed in, fed up and let down by a society that says they must ‘hold it all together’ when what they need to do is… LET GO! To take a risk and talk honestly to someone about those scary exams, those embarrassing body changes, those upsetting family changes and the pressure to hold it all together. Mentoring is a chance for young people to do this. To tell their story, start to get unstuck and move forward.

Mr.Dubious

I’m dubious about anything that suggests instant change. Life seems to be more like a tricky and unpredictable process of exchanges between people, hopefully in the direction of ‘Something Better’. But not always, and sometimes not often.


Back to the question: How do you turn a paperclip into a house? Or make anything better than it currently is?

Well, Kyle’s story suggests that we... 

1. Begin from where we are. Not from where we would ideally like to be.

2. Believe in what we do have, even if it's just a silly red paperclip.

3. Be aware of what we can do to change things, not dither about on those things we can't.

4. And as importantly, be open to others.

Because then you never know what good things might just happen next.

(This article first appeared in Connection Magazine (c) 2012, author Chris Spriggs, and is reproduced here with permission; images courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net and shutterstock)

 

Quiet Please

There is a funny type of people in existence who appear shy, sensitive and serious. 

Perhaps you know one, are married to one or are a parent to one. Maybe (said with a whisper) you are one: an introvert. 

History shows that introverts have, well, made history: Rosa Parks defiant on the bus, Albert Einstein focused in his lab, T.S. Eliot absorbed at his desk.

Susan Cain's book "Quiet" is a best seller, a book with a pristine white cover, all about the power of introverts. She makes a fascinating and thoroughly researched case that quiet folk, those of us who want to slink off to the corner at parties and find small talk awkward, are not quite as peculiar as we feel, or others think.  Susan, herself highly introverted, has been on a journey of listening to uncover what the quiet folk among us can bring to a world that just can't stop talking.

In our mentoring work at Lifespace Trust, we work with hundreds of individual young people each year. Our mentors create a safe place for them to tell their stories and work out how to work through tricky issues in their fast-paced lives - friendships, moods, body changes. Being a teenager is a full time job. Some young people are ready and willing (and brave enough) to chat away: "This is me, this is my story". 

While that's a great place to start, we also meet young people who feel like they don't fit in, are not sociable and mostly feel alone. Eye contact doesn't come easily, and as for participating in group work, that's just a horror. But the tragedy is they perceive they are worth-less because of it. 

As if talkativeness was the measure of our value.

One lad I know ate his lunch in the boys' toilets every day just to get away. In fact hiding is a common trait of introverts. We need time alone to recharge our energy. He truanted from school for most of a term with anxiety, until he eventually formed a strategy where he sat quietly in a chair in his bedroom before school for twenty minutes just to get ready for the day. He would...

1. write down some thoughts; 

2. take some slow deep breaths; 

3. and remind himself that he could take the day... just... one... hour... at a time. 

It turned things around for him. From quietness, came his strength. Not unlike a little chap called Mahatma Gandhi, the all-time King of Shy.

What's my point? Perhaps as a new school term starts there will be a fresh flush of anxiety. Worrying thoughts will interrupt sleep. Yes the qualities of friendliness and teamwork are valid qualities for all young people to aspire to learn, but let's not miss the fact that some young people (and parents too?) will need something that's quite rare in today's relentlessly noisy world: a quiet place where the outside noise is switched off, and there's nothing weird about that. 

It's not odd, just important. 

For some of us, it is from quietness we find our courage. 

From quietness, comes our creativity. 

From quietness, we can finally hear ourselves think. 

So, if you score zero on the introvert scale, be patient with those quiet people around you. They do have meaningful things to say but you may need to ask them what it is! And if you are introverted, give yourself quiet spaces to recharge. Even in the toilets at lunchtime if you must. 

The stark truth is this: Your presence makes a difference to the people around you more than you know. Quiet people really can help make sense of the world.

(images courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net / (c) this article first appeared in Connection Magazine, September 2013, author: Chris Spriggs)

The Meaning of Mentoring

Here’s your challenge:

You have thirty seconds to mentally list all the TALKS, LECTURES, SERMONS (etc.) that have positively influenced your life. Go.

How many did you remember?
Now, given a further thirty seconds, this time mentally list all the PEOPLE who have influenced you for good. Go.
How many names are on that list? Is your second list longer than the first? I thought so.

Safe Places and Sign Posts
There is a universal truth at work here - people are mostly influenced by people – and there is a universal way this happens, called ‘Mentoring’. For all the awesome podcasts and inspirational talks that we are rightly thank-full for, give me a one-to-one mentoring conversation (over coffee) anytime.
Over the years mentoring has been defined by numerous academics and practitioners, most laconically perhaps as ‘a brain to pick, an ear to listen and a nudge in the right direction’ (John C. Crosby, American former-politician). I would add ‘a heart to touch’ at the start of that definition.
Mentoring has endured. It spans cultures and faiths; it connects genders and industries; it bridges generations and personal worldviews.
We might even say that at its best mentoring offers a safe place in life’s storms, a signpost at life’s junctions, and a stretching process at life’s edges. But maybe that's just me trying to get poetic about it.

Acting For Help
In my day-to-day work, looking after a mentoring-based charity I founded in 2004, each year provides us with new chances to reach out and influence over 100 emerging young men (yes, we work with amazing girls too). In fact, close to 70% of our total number of requests(from schools, families and agencies) are boys, underlining Australian psychologist Steve Biddulph’s observation that “girls ‘ask for help’ whereas boys ‘act for help’.” It’s one of those generally-true generalisations.

A Two Way Street

While ‘Mentoring’ as a term increasingly comes into vogue, its rise causes confusion and misuse. Dr. Kate Philip, of University of Aberdeen, says it is so widely used it has come to be almost meaningless. Let's make it clear: Mentoring is distinctive from befriending (a social focus), different to counselling (a therapeutic focus) and not the same as coaching (a performance and skills focus). Yet mentoring reaches into each of these other forms of help by way of the core communication-process skills it draws on – such as active listening, attentive questioning and specific feedback. In a nutshell, mentoring is ultimately about character and capability. Becoming who you really are to do what you really must do.

Time For Stories

How come people have a deeper longer-lasting sway over us than sermons, however well-pitched, rehearsed and spiritual? Mentoring goes beyond picking brains, lending ears, and pushing people on. It reaches deeply into our Personal Stories. As U.S. author Don Miller once tweeted, “Your Advice sends me on my way. Your Story comes with me.” Mentoring opens the door for our unique and quirky individual stories to be exchanged. It is a two way street, not one way, and this is where it diverts from counselling and coaching. Mentoring presses play on the possibility of both people changing - it is not expert-led, but maturity-led.

Mentoring is a narrative-nudging gift for us on earth, to both become the people we ourselves aspire to be, and enable others to become all that God intends them to be too. Even in a society obsessed with iContact more than eye contact, where we are so easily ruled by goggle-boxes and google-searches, people will always need each other. We have an in-built hunger for words to become Flesh and sermons to become Stories. Search Engines can retrieve a trillion bits of information at the click-click of a mouse but one thing they can’t do. They can’t find us meaning. Only people can do that.

A Task

May I suggest a task? Who on your mental list of positive people can you say “thank you” to for their influence on you? In turn, is there someone – whether in your street, office or contacts list – that you could be a safe place for? Go ahead. Be a part of Someone’s Story.

Laughing In The Face Of Death

Think of someone who has affected your life for good. Can you picture their face, and hear their voice? I wonder, what it was about them that impacted you so much...

Whilst you consider that, let me tell you about a 'sticky' moment, by which I mean a moment that will stick with me forever. 

The Visit

I was sitting in hospital with a friend called David a few weeks before he died. David radically altered the way I think about myself. And about life. You know that kind of guy? He was on the final leg of his journey of a cancer that eventually whisked him away from life far far far too early. He was taller and thinner than most people you meet, and his voice resonated with the sound of authority.

On handing him a bunch of white roses, I asked him the question. "David, how do you cope?" 

Just five words. But hiding in that question were other questions like 'Why is this happening? Are you going to die? Why haven't I made more of our time together? What do you think when your body is wasting away?'

One question in which lay every question.

He chuckled. I will always remember that chuckle. How one chuckle can reveal the immensity of the Man. Laughing in the face of death. Literally.

"I think about everything I'm thankful for." That's what he said. He hadn't practised it, he hadn't had a sneak peek at the back of the Book Of Life for the Right Answer. But 'Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks'.

It's not just you

In our mentoring work with young people - close to 200 individual young people in the last 7 months - the theme of coping comes up a lot.  E v e r y    s i n g l e    d a y   in fact. 

How to assist young people to cope with parents or losing their parents, one or both at the same time. How to cope with teachers, and help teachers cope with them. How to cope with puberty, and the turbocharged bodily changes they are going through. How to cope with self-harm, addictions to pornography, going through sex change, problems of bad diets.... Somewhere between the safe harbour of 'Facing It' and the distant land of 'Overcoming It' lies the em-ocean of 'How do I cope with it?'

Some days, coping with life can feel like a mammoth task. (You know... large, hairy and from another time).

Coping Strategies

Dr Chris Madden, a clinical psychologist, identifies eight specific categories of coping. Although he doesn't suggest 'Laughing in the face of death' as one of them, he does identify 'Being Philosophical' about things. Stepping out of the now and taking a longer term view. Mentally rising above your death bed and noticing things other than the hospital, the chemo treatment, the sheer bodily pain, the embarrassment. 

What else do you notice when you look away from your problem?

Some of the other coping categories are 'Acting out' and 'Addictions' - Dr.M highlighting that there are unhealthy ways of coping just as there are healthier ones.

Past, Present, Future?

David was an example of not looking at the past and moaning about why... or being overwhelmed by the demands of the present... but choosing to look to the future and consider 'What next?' And the only way to face whatever is coming next is to meet it head on with a heart full of gratitude.

Thank you David, thank you.

- If you would like to make a donation towards the work of Lifespace Trust with young people facing and overcoming disadvantage, then please visit www.lifespace.org.uk and click on the lovely red VirginMoneyGiving logo in the bottom left corner. If you do, then thank you.

- Thank you to David's wife Meryl for permission to publish this. A fabulous lady indeed.

The Small Head and Big Ears of Love

Have you noticed that it gets less mention on the nightly news than the weather or MP expenses? Yet it is a language every human has the ability to respond to. Love is like oxygen. Easy to miss but impossible to live without.

The Big Baddies?

Yesterday I heard another report has come out analysing the causes of the English summer riots of 2011. Allegedly, who and what is to blame?

1.       Poor parenting

2.       Lack of respect for the Police

3.       Schools providing lack of literacy support

4.       Too much consumerism

5.       Lack of opportunities for young people.

The report possibly has some noble things to say but will it mention the L-word? Love, or the sheer stupid lack of it.  Why don’t we talk about it? We focus on what we talk about.

Why isn’t Love the central theme of the school curriculum, the government budget or the bottom line in the Annual report? When did it slip off the radar?

Now, I’m considering whether ‘mentoring’ is ‘love’ by another name. This ancient tradition of giving time, exchanging stories, and nurturing life in another.

‘Love One Another’ is the concept = ‘Mentor One Another’ is the practice.

 “I feel loved when…”

I asked my kids to finish a sentence recently. You could do this for yourself if you like:

Daddy: ‘Okay kids, here’s how it works. I say the sentence and you finish it. “I feel loved when…”  - what would you say?’

My daughter (age 5): (She jumps up and down on the spot as if sparks of electricity are charging through her) “I feel loved when….when….um….when…when I have cuddles and kisses from daddy.”

My eldest son (age 7): “I feel loved when we play games together, daddy.” He subsequently listed more games than I can remember.

My kids haven’t read Gary Chapman’s ‘The Five Love Languages’…or they have but haven’t told me, but they reveal the truth of it. Love is rich in the way it can be shown – through time together; gifts given; touch offered; words spoken; actions done. My dad is an Action(s) Man. My wife is a Gifts Girly. We all have a preference or two it seems.

Love delights in difference and diversity.

Back to Big Baddy Number One…

Poor parenting. The riots happened because of poor parenting? Really? Parents can only love if they first know love - surely. If we blame the parents, then what about the parents’ parents? Where does it lead? How far back do we have to go? So let’s blame the teachers, and the Police, and the media….and...and...

Let’s take this to the only logical conclusion there is. We Are All Responsible. We Are All Responsible For Love.

Neither you nor I can change what happened last summer. Awful things happened, and I’m still hoping there will be a report which doesn’t just blame-find and finger-point.

Time For Positive Finger Pointing

If we’re going to point fingers, what would happen if we point firstly at these words, and then point to ourselves…?

“Love is patient” – love doesn’t take time. It gives time.

“Love is kind” – it believes you are more than you think you are.

“It does not envy, boast, nor is it proud.” – Love is easy to overlook because it has a small head with big ears.

“It values others, rather than saying ‘me first’…” – Who wouldn’t admire someone with this attitude?

“It keeps no record of wrongs” – Love has a brilliant memory problem.

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – Love isn’t for softees. Love is robust and energetic.

Love never fails. I know I have deeply failed at times. My parents failed me, sometimes. My kids fail everso occasionally. My teachers failed to do something about me being bullied for four years. We’re definitely all in this one together.

"But three remain: faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love."

Love Is. Fullstop.