Mentoring: The most lethal question?

Have you noticed how lethal the question ‘WHY?’ can be? And the reaction it gets?

Whether in parenting, teaching, business, coaching... You name it, ‘Why?’ is a dangerous weapon.

Hmmm. Why is that?

Oftentimes the question ‘Why?’ evokes a defensive response. People start thinking they are being questioned and judged. Hands up if you enjoy that? Relating gets usurped by justifying.

Of course the impact of asking ‘Why?’ will depend on how it’s said, and can still be handy if you want to create direct confrontation or challenge someone. There is a place for that.

However - the words ‘HOW COME?’ can restore rapport.

‘How come?’ allows curiosity to be expressed; it takes conversation onward not inward, it gets to the positive intention behind a person’s action, and is safer.

How come we don’t use it more often?

Mentoring: The problem with 'BUT'

Ever wondered about the impact of your 'BUT'? 

Not as in 'Does your butt look big in this?'... as in 'What effect does saying 'but' have on what you're communicating?' 

The word 'BUT' is a lazy way of saying you disagree with someone. "Yeah I hear what you're saying BUT..." (But = I don't really hear what you're saying at all...)

‘But’ is like a hole in the road.

How about using the word 'AND' instead? Far more seamless, more...elegant. "Yeah I hear what you're saying AND..." (And = I do hear what you're saying, and my opinion is different and can sit alongside yours...)

Sure, use BUT if you want to break rapport, close down conversation or stir up a heated debate. There's a time for that.... And there's also the time now to use cleaner and clearer language. 

Enjoy playing with it, and notice what happens...