Going Blank On Purpose

Ever had a moment like this?

I stood before the audience. A hundred faces stared at me, waiting. I was the keynote speaker, the medium-sized attraction. This was it. But my mind went blank. I remembered my name but after that there was_______________ (exactly, nothing). Just a big space my words weren’t occupying.

The crowd coughed, trying to jolt me into action. Somewhere in the distance a fire engine passed, siren-blaring. Perhaps sent to rescue me. I gulped but the ground refused to swallow me up. Both of us, the floor and I, our mouths seized shut. That’s when I walked off the stage.

Since that accidental awkward silence, over ten years ago, I’ve spoken publicly over 400 times. That one-off moment taught me a great deal about preparation. “Achievement” writes journalist Malcolm Gladwell, “is talent PLUS preparation”.  You can’t just turn up and perform. But when it comes to preparation, the secrets for doing well in the future often lie in the journey we’ve already made.

So, let me pose a question.

What would the line of your last decade look like if you were to chart the up and downs?

My guess is it wouldn’t be a straight line, but more like a pulse rate monitor. There would be ups (I hope), downs (alas, they happen to us all, some of them whilst public speaking) and flat bits where you really weren’t sure what was going on. Or is that just me every morning before caffeine takes effect?

Imagine doing this on a piece of blank paper. Horizontal line across the middle marking out the last ten years to the present day. Vertically up the left hand side a scale from -10 (the sad-awful stuff) rising to +10 (the amazing-proud stuff). Oh, just like that picture there. How handy.

Imagine your line. Its course would be unique. If it looks random, this confirms you are a human not a robot.

Now, a single line can never capture the story of your last decade.  Our lives are rich and strange (or is it just strange to feel rich?) But doing this simple exercise, on paper or mentally, can help pick out key high/low moments from which to learn. A strange paradox: Preparing for the unknown. I so happen to believe life is not an accidental mish-mash but we can influence the lines our lives take.

The day I write this is the 10 Year Anniversary of the mentoring work of Lifespace Trust. A decade in which our mentors have individually supported 968 young people. We’ve had ups (I’ve just been handed a cheque for £10,000 towards our work!) and we’ve had downs (a few significant mistakes of my doing come to mind).

Ten years ago I sat in a café in Stratford and on a blank sheet of paper I wrote what I wanted to see happen. Then with a clear idea of what I wanted, I talked to people who knew what I needed to know, and who cared. This afternoon I’m going out to the same café - but for a fresh coffee - with another blank sheet. I will chart the course of our last ten years, like you can do yours. Then ask some questions.

Notice the highs: ‘What might this suggest? How can we do more of that?’

Look at the lows: ‘How did that happen? What can we learn from that?’ Then talk it through with trusted people to get a 360° perspective.

 

The next decade – yours and ours - will have wobbles. But sometimes creating a blank moment on purpose is a golden chance to pause. Look how far you’ve already come. A reminder to hope. An invitation to dream. It’s time to live life on purpose and have something useful to say.

 

Falling With Style

It's happened. Yet again, it's happened. This is the third time in our house, now.

Our newest child - one who comes with all the latest mod-cons - has taken his first steps. In fact, in motor vehicle terms he has gone from 0-60 in a matter of days. It's incredible to watch. Have you ever been in on the process? It's fascinating to analyse it.

First - there's the twinkle in the eye. Next comes the rolling over onto the tummy, and a giggle. Then within days, that rolling has turned into commando-crawling, elbows doing the work. SAS eat your heart out. Actually, don't. That would be gross.

Then the crawling turns into wild arm waving (picture the little one at a JLS concert) and then grabbing nearest furniture legs / human legs / dishwasher door* (*or all at the same time in a bid for an Octopus impression).

Then one day it happens.

It warrants a phone call from the wife and a whole album of pictures on the iPhone and accompanying commentary on Facebook. Then sit back and watch the world 'Like' 'Like' 'Like' 'Like'.... He takes his first Big Steps on his Own. And the accomplishment is known as a resounding success. Grade A* young lad. Superb effort.

But from thereon a mystifying shift takes place. Once those first steps are proven, it seems society at large starts measuring things by outcome, rather than process. All the time our dear little Toby is struggling, grabbing, falling with style, inconveniencing, reaching out, tumbling, failing, disturbing, trying, disrupting ...in a bid to show the world he can walk on his own two (cute) (small) (dinky) feet, it's okay. We expect that.

But flash forward in time and somehow once the First Steps and First Words are boxes ticked, and one reaches the 'teenage' years ('the in-between-agers') or even Big Grown Ups in the odd-world called Business - any behaviour that appears to warrant descriptions of 'Struggling' or 'Failing' is bang out of order. How dare you Struggle! Failing Is Shameful. Struggling Is For Wimps. I can see the t-shirt slogans now.

Bang Bang you're out.  As-if we should get it right first time? Or second time at least? 'Expectations are the greatest source of unhappiness' says Neale Donald Walsch. How come we expect to get everything right. All the time? When did we decide that? Who says that's how it must stay? We do it as parents. We do it in business. We do it in our own gorgeous heads. Berating, Blaming, Banging our heads against the fridge door. First Time or else.

If Love is Patient, Love is Kind then - to quote that celebrity sage Will.I.Am and his Black Eyed Peas crew, Where is the Love? Is Love only for those two and under?

When did Process become a dirty word? It's all grades, results, performance, outcomes. Which is fine, really - I run marathons and the outcome always matters to me... And what about all the struggling, grabbing, reaching out, disturbing, failing that goes into getting the result? Marathon running taught me that process matters.

Last time I looked nobody was born with a magic wand in their hand. Not even Harry Potter.

"Success is going from failure to failure without losing hope" suggested Winston Churchill.

So to all those of us who are still carrying L-plates in our lives - as parents, partners, colleagues, leaders, friends. Keep On. If you're down, get back up again. If you failed, its just handy information about how not to do something. You're not a failure. You're a resilient learner. You may not remember your first steps, but that same resilience is within you. Always. Right now it's there.

And, well done Toby for a majestic effort. Effort is what we should praise more than Right Answers (thank you Dr.Carol Dweck for that reminder). For falling and getting back up again, even off the tarmac with your pink and grazed knees. Life, sadly, will have you grazing your knees again my littl'un, but I hope that at the wise young age of one you hold onto the truth you have earned that the Struggle is all part of the Journey. Ask any caterpillar.

Mentoring: Rear View Mirrors

It counts as one of the most, let's say "unexpected" days of my life. 


The paintballing trip for our students didn't look too promising when we had to pull our minibus over on the way there.  One unconfessing 15 year old was shooting a BB gun at the driver's head.


I was the driver.


From there things escalated into chaos, or de-escalated into hell, depending on whether you're standing on your head, because I may as well have been. Between the three staff - all of us respectable teachers from the College - we managed to round up most of our students just before the knife got used by a rivalling school gang. But not before the plank of wood with rusty nails in had connected with the leg of a kid from another School. Great planning this was. Don't ask me whether the plank 'knocked any sense' into them. 


Paintballing guns. Knives. Hoodies. BB guns. Street talk and odd hand waving gestures. I had been cast into a low grade Snoop Dogg video, when all I really wanted was Snoopy.


Reverse Gear


With the College minibus door finally shut, and a dozen roudy-singing-so-loudly-you'd-think-they-were-drunk students piling on top of each other, I stuck it into reverse gear.


That's when I had a fresh appreciation for the sturdiness of trees.


And the not-so-sturdiness of College minibuses. 


Imagine the scene: Twelve rioting teenagers trapped in a minibus that's collided with a tree in an attempt to escape World War IV. The words 'I'm a teacher get me out of here!' would rarely have been more appropriate. Thank goodness all this is nearly 10 years ago.


Rear View Mirrors Are Under-Rated


Ah, the Rear View Mirror. It's an under-rated thing, isn't it. Along with humming. Under-rated.


But there is such tremendous value in stopping and looking at what's behind us, now and again. Not just in the literal Rear View Mirror which thankfully come with most models of vehicle in the UK, even minibuses. I mean the metaphorical one that is in our imaginations. The Rear View Mirror of Mentoring, as it were. 


It's all too easy to remember and rehearse today's problems and forget that some of yesterday's or last years have gone. D i s a p p e a r e d.  Hey, how did that happen? 


Quick Thinking Task


1. Pick a problem you've come through - Something where you are now living in the light at the end of the tunnel. 
2. Enjoy the fact you're through it. Smile. Deep breath. Hey, you're through it!
3. Now think about what specifically helped you through... Can you list 5 things? 
People? Behaviours? Mental strategies? Risks? Changing something? Keep going 'til you reach at least five.
Because there's vital things to learn and carry with you for whatever you face next. You will face another mountain, challenge or problem, and part of your toolkit for moving forward is right there in the Rear View Mirror.


I like the fact that - right now - I am at home and nowhere near a dented College minibus. Or a rioting band of teenagers. 


I've learned to look around for help a little more often, to recognise my limitations a little more quickly - including minibus driving - and if something stresses you out then you've got to do what you can do, and not what you can't. Those lads also taught me that disasters aren't usually personal however much they can feel that way. Oh, and I've learned that now and again it's really good to pause and look back. 


Because you never know if someone's just planted a 100 year old oak tree next to you.