Laughing In The Face Of Death

Think of someone who has affected your life for good. Can you picture their face, and hear their voice? I wonder, what it was about them that impacted you so much...

Whilst you consider that, let me tell you about a 'sticky' moment, by which I mean a moment that will stick with me forever. 

The Visit

I was sitting in hospital with a friend called David a few weeks before he died. David radically altered the way I think about myself. And about life. You know that kind of guy? He was on the final leg of his journey of a cancer that eventually whisked him away from life far far far too early. He was taller and thinner than most people you meet, and his voice resonated with the sound of authority.

On handing him a bunch of white roses, I asked him the question. "David, how do you cope?" 

Just five words. But hiding in that question were other questions like 'Why is this happening? Are you going to die? Why haven't I made more of our time together? What do you think when your body is wasting away?'

One question in which lay every question.

He chuckled. I will always remember that chuckle. How one chuckle can reveal the immensity of the Man. Laughing in the face of death. Literally.

"I think about everything I'm thankful for." That's what he said. He hadn't practised it, he hadn't had a sneak peek at the back of the Book Of Life for the Right Answer. But 'Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks'.

It's not just you

In our mentoring work with young people - close to 200 individual young people in the last 7 months - the theme of coping comes up a lot.  E v e r y    s i n g l e    d a y   in fact. 

How to assist young people to cope with parents or losing their parents, one or both at the same time. How to cope with teachers, and help teachers cope with them. How to cope with puberty, and the turbocharged bodily changes they are going through. How to cope with self-harm, addictions to pornography, going through sex change, problems of bad diets.... Somewhere between the safe harbour of 'Facing It' and the distant land of 'Overcoming It' lies the em-ocean of 'How do I cope with it?'

Some days, coping with life can feel like a mammoth task. (You know... large, hairy and from another time).

Coping Strategies

Dr Chris Madden, a clinical psychologist, identifies eight specific categories of coping. Although he doesn't suggest 'Laughing in the face of death' as one of them, he does identify 'Being Philosophical' about things. Stepping out of the now and taking a longer term view. Mentally rising above your death bed and noticing things other than the hospital, the chemo treatment, the sheer bodily pain, the embarrassment. 

What else do you notice when you look away from your problem?

Some of the other coping categories are 'Acting out' and 'Addictions' - Dr.M highlighting that there are unhealthy ways of coping just as there are healthier ones.

Past, Present, Future?

David was an example of not looking at the past and moaning about why... or being overwhelmed by the demands of the present... but choosing to look to the future and consider 'What next?' And the only way to face whatever is coming next is to meet it head on with a heart full of gratitude.

Thank you David, thank you.

- If you would like to make a donation towards the work of Lifespace Trust with young people facing and overcoming disadvantage, then please visit www.lifespace.org.uk and click on the lovely red VirginMoneyGiving logo in the bottom left corner. If you do, then thank you.

- Thank you to David's wife Meryl for permission to publish this. A fabulous lady indeed.

Mentoring: The most lethal question?

Have you noticed how lethal the question ‘WHY?’ can be? And the reaction it gets?

Whether in parenting, teaching, business, coaching... You name it, ‘Why?’ is a dangerous weapon.

Hmmm. Why is that?

Oftentimes the question ‘Why?’ evokes a defensive response. People start thinking they are being questioned and judged. Hands up if you enjoy that? Relating gets usurped by justifying.

Of course the impact of asking ‘Why?’ will depend on how it’s said, and can still be handy if you want to create direct confrontation or challenge someone. There is a place for that.

However - the words ‘HOW COME?’ can restore rapport.

‘How come?’ allows curiosity to be expressed; it takes conversation onward not inward, it gets to the positive intention behind a person’s action, and is safer.

How come we don’t use it more often?

Mentoring: The problem with 'BUT'

Ever wondered about the impact of your 'BUT'? 

Not as in 'Does your butt look big in this?'... as in 'What effect does saying 'but' have on what you're communicating?' 

The word 'BUT' is a lazy way of saying you disagree with someone. "Yeah I hear what you're saying BUT..." (But = I don't really hear what you're saying at all...)

‘But’ is like a hole in the road.

How about using the word 'AND' instead? Far more seamless, more...elegant. "Yeah I hear what you're saying AND..." (And = I do hear what you're saying, and my opinion is different and can sit alongside yours...)

Sure, use BUT if you want to break rapport, close down conversation or stir up a heated debate. There's a time for that.... And there's also the time now to use cleaner and clearer language. 

Enjoy playing with it, and notice what happens...

Mentoring: Four questions every mentor should ask, every time

Questions, questions, questions...
Who was the first person to milk a cow, and what did they think they were doing?
Who was the first person to ask a question? Was it an open, closed, funnelling or rhetorical question? So many questions. I wonder how many there are...

I've sometimes wondered...Where do all the questions go? And what would happen if we ran out of questions?
Would it be like running out of chocolate?

The 17th century-born philosopher, Voltaire said:
 "Judge a person by their questions, rather than their answers."
Hmm, wise words indeed.

Now, why am I going on like this? Because questions are central to the mentoring process, aren't they? You've probably noticed the effect that questions can have.

Here are 4 top questions every mentor should ask, whether in a school, business, faith or other setting. They work well in every session providing structured anchor points and in time a feeling of familiarity.

1. What's on your mind, today?
This question is a missile to the 'very present' moment. It offers the chance to talk about what's most important to the other person, in that instant. The answer might be "er...nothing much" but the physiology will tell you either that's true or not and guide you as to what you do/ask next. Without this question, the most pressing matter(s) may not come to light.

2. What do you want, today?
Most mentoring sessions are time-limited. It's possible to talk lots about not much, but we want purpose-filled not nonsense-filled conversations. How often do people press 'pause' and have a chance to give this question a thought. How often do we think about what we're thinking about? Good question. Even Jesus asked a blind man 'What do you want?' side-stepping assumption and hearing what the other person wanted the outcome to be.

3. How can I help?
Mentors have resources, contacts and expertise at their disposal, much of which is unconscious, that is it is 'not being currently thought of'. This question permissions the other person to request or bargain and open up the door to new resources. Sometimes the answer to this is 'Just listen to me. How affirming can being really listened to be for someone? My friend Tim calls it 'Exquisite listening'. Yep, I like that.

4. What will you do next?
This is a good question to ask near the end of the session. It is action-focused and works well with setting goals, and providing forward momentum. Don't get stuck, move the thinking forward, and encourage them to be 'at cause' (that is, taking responsibility) rather than 'effect' (what others will do for them).

I wonder what other questions you might want to ask, that you've noticed work well. Oh...and did you spot what's in common about all 4 of the above questions?

Is that the time? Gotta go and do some research about the origins of cow-milking - how much fun might that be?