Your Gorgeous Self

It's one of those themes that comes up every single day.
On the News.
In the office.
On the Papers.
In the Soaps.
You see it all over the place, and yet maybe it's too easily glossed over.
It's one of those things I think every person I've ever met in my life has wrestled with or puzzled over at some point. It’s central to a happy and productive life.

It's the theme of role models and who do we really want to be like. Hey, good question - who do you want to be like? Who specifically comes to mind?

Soren Kierkegaard, the Danish philosopher, once said, 'With God's help I will become myself.' But I guess we all need other people to help us grow in becoming comfortable in our own skin, and it takes time. A lifetime. Or put it another way – we are wired to need other people help us make sense of who we really are.

We cannot become ‘fully ourselves’ on our own.

Now, put yourself in a 11 year old’s shoes. (Squeeeeeeze yourself in). You’re (perhaps accidentally) watching this week’s Six O’Clock News, and the question of ‘Who shall I look up to?’ is buzzing in your mind.  Yes, 11 year olds do ask such questions. Unconsciously.

The stories you watch include:
Duain Chambers lifetime ban from Olympic athletics for drug cheating is now equivalent to a playtime ban. You figure there are no real consequences to cheating or drug-taking. (Yeah yeah I know it’s not that simple but…) And you hope Duain wins a gold for Team GB. The country will cheer him on, won’t they? Forgive and Forget and all that.
David Cameron and Ed Miliband are shouting and pointing aggressively at each other in the House of Commons – and in the next breath they are talking about respect and civil society. You figure that leaders get to insult other people for free. Cooooool.
Prince William & Kate Middleton are celebrating their first year wedding anniversary. She’s perfect (actually, I think she might be). He’s nearly perfect except the bald patch. They’re perfect together - so the media want to tell us. Does she snore? Does he burp? Who flushes the loo for them? You figure it’s time to switch channel…

What do you come away with? Who’s going to show you how to “do life” and “become the real you”? It’s such a confused picture our society presents, isn’t it? Choices without consquences; Leadership without listening; Portrayal of love without reality.

The problem is that this confusion leads too easily to problem behaviours. Distorted perceptions of self in the mirror (dysmorphia) because our bodies don't match up. Unhealthy comparisons and ‘not successful enough’ labels because our brains don't match up. 
Trickles into depression.
Cascades into self-harm.
Explodes into riots on the streets.
The have’s and the have nots.
Those who get away with cheating and those who don’t.
Those who are paid to point fingers and insult the person in front of them and those that aren’t in the House of Commons.

Role Models.

There are so many of them. Everywhere.

And the great thing is we do get to choose who we want to copy from, model ourselves on, learn from.

Time to take control. Turn off the TV. Close the newspaper. Shut down the internet for 15 minutes. HAVE SOME PEACE AND QUIET.

What if you notice those around you that you’d prefer to be like?
What do you appreciate about them? Have you told them?
What could you learn from them? Have you asked them?

And with God’s help, may you become Your Gorgeous Self.

Mentoring: Three Essential Themes

Mentoring is a beautiful thing.

It is a process between people that spans cultures, faiths, genders and industries. It bridges generations. Think of someone who has played a positive part in your life, take twenty seconds and you’ll have a name. And probably a smile and a story too. Mentoring pervades the fabric of our lives.

Mentoring, at its best, offers a safe place in life’s storms, a signpost at life’s junctions, and a stretching process at life’s edges. Just think of it: Where would we be without the mechanism of mentoring to help us not just survive - but really thrive?

In 15 years of mentoring being my day-to-day work, I am convinced there is no neat and tidy formula to it. Mentoring is not like wrestling with trigonometry, thank goodness, but there are what I would call ‘themes’.

I was in the kitchen at the weekend thinking about this and here is what crossed my mind…here are three “essential themes” to assist in nudging the mentoring process along, useful for any and every mentoring encounter:

Actions Speak Loudest

The request from a mentor: “Tell me about what you’re doing...” can unlock many insights that will not be gleaned from asking someone how they are feeling. Sure, emotions matter, they are ‘our energy to act’, but feelings are like clouds that linger and drift and pass away. (Pause for effect). Actions, however, provide an X-ray of our beliefs. Find a habitual action, and ask someone “What matters to you about doing that?” and it will take you somewhere. The first theme of mentoring is that ACTIONS matter, revealing patterns and the structure of problems.

Thought-Addict

The second theme of mentoring is that of ADDICTIONS. They will be probably in the background somewhere, but these issues have to be, as it were, “in the mentoring script, not left as scenery”. There are addictions that we must be really explicit about, usually because people find certain things hard to say. A kind of ‘awkward moment’ descends at the point of speaking.  For example, life’s voids, disappointments and setbacks are often filled with certain behaviours that are usually not positive, healthy, nor admirable. Issues such as self-harm (biting, hair-pulling, cutting etc.), pornography, cannabis use and eating disorders are all, in my experience and research, more widespread than we’d like to think. (NB. Professional help and contact with a GP may be necessary in dealing with some of these issues).

A mentor has to show some courage. “Can I ask you some direct questions?” is a good opener. Yes there has to be trust, and sometimes launching out directly is exactly the way that trust can be established. Trust has to be born, and all birthing provides some discomfort.

But it’s not just the obvious and lesser-talked about addictions. There are also those of ‘What do you think about yourself when you look in the mirror?’ The way we define ourselves defines our lives. “What do you normally think about ‘you’? What effect does that have?” the mentor might say…

Attitudes of the Heart

Have you ever worked with someone with “an attitude-problem”? It’s one of those terms that we’re all supposed to know what it means but we’re not sure we do. Attitudes are a cluster of beliefs. Sorting out an attitude-problem is like straightening out spaghetti, tangled together in multiple places.

If Billy has an attitude problem about a teacher then asking Billy what he believes about the teacher, teaching, and his learning will be handy. The responses may uncover the roots of the attitude. Take one of Billy’s beliefs for starters, give it a shake. Throw in some doubt. “Do you really believe that? When did you decide that? How will that belief help you in the future, or not?”  Remember, any question can be asked in the presence of good rapport. The third theme of mentoring is that ATTITUDES, not simply aptitudes, influence the outcomes in our lives.

Actions. Addictions. Attitudes. I can’t give you the precise recipe but these three ingredients will give your mentoring conversations structure, focus and momentum. It will stretch the requirement of trust. It will connect you with reality. And reality, after all, is a theme that we can’t get away from, for it runs through all our stories.

Trigonometry on the other hand, well that's a different matter. Thank goodness.