Ordinary Magic

We stand in London’s rain. I clutch our tickets, while my wife clutches me. We are held in the moment as the Chariots of Fire theme tune sounds intermittently. The PA system has hiccups. 

“Can’t we just go in? It’s dry inside” I suggest to my wife. But she stands, resolute. Waiting for something.

After nearly 10 years of marriage I’ve learned to respect my wife’s stubbornness. Overcoming meningitis, losing a baby, being hit by a car, running her first marathon in under 4 hours, all this in the past three years. She’s had more difficulty than she expected but she has what renowned Professor of Child Psychology Ann Masten once described as ‘That Ordinary Magic’. The everyday ability to bounce back. Don’t let life squash you, let it shape you.

She’s not the only one. We all walk past people with this everyday. Perhaps we see them in the mirror too.

Silver Cars and Slow Motion Runners

We linger yards from a soggy Red Carpet where Duncan Goodhew and Daley Thompson pace from camera to camera. Men who lit up my Olympics as a kid. Celebrity after celebrity unfolds themselves from sleek silver cars, here for the film premiere 31 years after it’s original release. A film famous for slow motion running and that spine tingling Vangelis theme tune.

My wife won our tickets just a few days ago and has moved heaven and earth to make sure we make it. It’s not easy finding a babysitter for three kids at short notice. Not even when The Empire cinema is calling.

That’s when it happens. The Taxi Cab that changes everything. I can see a familiar face in the shadows. As Dame Kelly Holmes emerges with those legs of strength escaping first, a man starts yelling.

“Out the way, hey move it!” His camera is as big as his head. Click click snap. Something for the morning papers perhaps. 

“Hey, do you want a photo” says Dame Kelly. But it seems she is talking to my wife. She is. Mr. TeleFotoLens is going mad, lurching from side to side like a car out of control, attempting to clear the road.  

My wife steps out of the crowd and into her Moment.

I point and shoot. It’s a perfect picture first time. Dame Kelly and my wife, heads touching, smiles radiating, like sisters, arms wrapped around each other. It’s a black, white and double golden moment. On the long train ride home, the image becomes my wife’s Phone Home Screen, triggering smiles as she re-tells the story to me. Her Bounce Back moment, as if by winning tickets and totally by chance meeting her running icon Life has finally woken up and taken notice. Boy, should Life take notice of my Wife.

“C’mon move it”. Click Click Snap. Snapsnapsnap. The photo frenzy resumes. Umbrellas and elbows compete for pavement. We follow the Dame onto the Red Carpet where she looks at home, while we just loiter, really badly. I never realised just how bad I am at loitering. Anyone would think I have practised to be this conspicuous. The only red carpet in our house is where I spilt the wine.

Seizing The Moment

“Ask if she’ll sign our tickets” my wife says. It’s an instruction, not an enquiry. But then I can’t work out whether to start with ‘Kelly’ or ‘Dame Kelly’ or ‘Mrs.Holmes’. I’m really not in to the celebrity thing but athletes - well, they’re different. They have moved heaven and earth to achieve what they have. “What would my mum have said to her?” I muse. Losing my mum to cancer was why I started running silly distances that have at times meant getting out the door at 5am and arriving back at 11am, thirty-something miles on the watch. I began by running away from the Grief, but slowly found I was running towards something else. Exploring my own Greatness, perhaps. 

Hidden Talents

I start on first name terms. I know I look star struck and I’m really trying not to but it appears looking stunned is another hidden talent I have. What I really want is to be sat in Caffe Nero with my wife and Kelly, having a mocha and chinwagging about running strategies, and inspiring young people to find their Greatness - which is all a bit like my job really. It’s why I left my job as a teacher and set up what our charity does, mentoring young people.

Before I know it, she’s signing her name and chatting to me like I’m an ordinary bloke. No, that’s not right. No, she’s chatting to me like she’s an Ordinary woman. Happy in her own skin, a bundle of genuineness and fire and curiosity.

Signs of Greatness

The Silver Mercs shunned for the Taxi Cab. 

Personal photo-space generously shared with a random girl, my wife. 

Asking questions in her Kentish-twang, not striving to become the centre of attention. 

It’s all a sign of Greatness, surely. Greatness becomes all the more when it invites others in and shares itself. Even for a quick snap next to a London cabbie. It’s too easy in our modern lives to chill on the sofa and wait for Greatness to arrive. Greatness comes not to us.  Here is someone with two Olympic gold medals and a long list of awards who shows her Greatness oozing through her Humanness. Greatness discovered through sheer dedication and resolve. Greatness untapped through the power of Ordinary Magic. She went and found it for herself.

The Speech of a Lifetime

“I want to compare faith to running in a race” says Eric Liddel to the crowd gathered in the Scottish rain. Our necks ache from being so close to such a big screen. I peek round to see a thousand people sitting behind me, absorbing the scene. 

“It requires concentration of will, energy of soul” Eric continues. “You experience elation when the winner breaks the tape - especially if you've got a bet on it. But how long does that last? You go home. Maybe you're dinner's burnt. Maybe you haven't got a job.” We could all insert our own Personal Heartbreaks of recent years, it wouldn’t have been out of place. We all have our story, probably different to Eric’s story, whose life was to end from a brain tumour in 1945, stuck in a Japanese interment camp, away from his family. Gold medals are a mirror to an athlete’s immense conquests, not a shield from life’s tricky realities.

“So who am I to say, "Believe, have faith," in the face of life's realities?” Eric’s Scottish lilt is so easy on the ear. It’s the gentle sound of Ordinary Magic speaking.

“I would like to give you something more permanent, but I can only point the way. I have no formula for winning the race. Everyone runs in her own way, or his own way. And where does the power come from, to see the race to its end?”

The Question for us all

Good question, Eric. Where does power come from? From where does your Greatness arise? What is the starting place for Ordinary Magic?

“From within. Jesus said, "Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you.” 

The cinematic scene fades but the truth remains. What a treasure we all carry. You and I, whatever our hidden talents may be - whether running around a track or loitering on a sodden red carpet, badly. What Ordinary Magic we all have. It took a chance encounter with a lady with the best calf muscles this side of the Thames to remind me of that. 

Yes, Greatness can step out of a London taxi. But more importantly, it can remind me, you... us... of what we carry within ourselves, every Moment, of every Day.

Falling With Style

It's happened. Yet again, it's happened. This is the third time in our house, now.

Our newest child - one who comes with all the latest mod-cons - has taken his first steps. In fact, in motor vehicle terms he has gone from 0-60 in a matter of days. It's incredible to watch. Have you ever been in on the process? It's fascinating to analyse it.

First - there's the twinkle in the eye. Next comes the rolling over onto the tummy, and a giggle. Then within days, that rolling has turned into commando-crawling, elbows doing the work. SAS eat your heart out. Actually, don't. That would be gross.

Then the crawling turns into wild arm waving (picture the little one at a JLS concert) and then grabbing nearest furniture legs / human legs / dishwasher door* (*or all at the same time in a bid for an Octopus impression).

Then one day it happens.

It warrants a phone call from the wife and a whole album of pictures on the iPhone and accompanying commentary on Facebook. Then sit back and watch the world 'Like' 'Like' 'Like' 'Like'.... He takes his first Big Steps on his Own. And the accomplishment is known as a resounding success. Grade A* young lad. Superb effort.

But from thereon a mystifying shift takes place. Once those first steps are proven, it seems society at large starts measuring things by outcome, rather than process. All the time our dear little Toby is struggling, grabbing, falling with style, inconveniencing, reaching out, tumbling, failing, disturbing, trying, disrupting ...in a bid to show the world he can walk on his own two (cute) (small) (dinky) feet, it's okay. We expect that.

But flash forward in time and somehow once the First Steps and First Words are boxes ticked, and one reaches the 'teenage' years ('the in-between-agers') or even Big Grown Ups in the odd-world called Business - any behaviour that appears to warrant descriptions of 'Struggling' or 'Failing' is bang out of order. How dare you Struggle! Failing Is Shameful. Struggling Is For Wimps. I can see the t-shirt slogans now.

Bang Bang you're out.  As-if we should get it right first time? Or second time at least? 'Expectations are the greatest source of unhappiness' says Neale Donald Walsch. How come we expect to get everything right. All the time? When did we decide that? Who says that's how it must stay? We do it as parents. We do it in business. We do it in our own gorgeous heads. Berating, Blaming, Banging our heads against the fridge door. First Time or else.

If Love is Patient, Love is Kind then - to quote that celebrity sage Will.I.Am and his Black Eyed Peas crew, Where is the Love? Is Love only for those two and under?

When did Process become a dirty word? It's all grades, results, performance, outcomes. Which is fine, really - I run marathons and the outcome always matters to me... And what about all the struggling, grabbing, reaching out, disturbing, failing that goes into getting the result? Marathon running taught me that process matters.

Last time I looked nobody was born with a magic wand in their hand. Not even Harry Potter.

"Success is going from failure to failure without losing hope" suggested Winston Churchill.

So to all those of us who are still carrying L-plates in our lives - as parents, partners, colleagues, leaders, friends. Keep On. If you're down, get back up again. If you failed, its just handy information about how not to do something. You're not a failure. You're a resilient learner. You may not remember your first steps, but that same resilience is within you. Always. Right now it's there.

And, well done Toby for a majestic effort. Effort is what we should praise more than Right Answers (thank you Dr.Carol Dweck for that reminder). For falling and getting back up again, even off the tarmac with your pink and grazed knees. Life, sadly, will have you grazing your knees again my littl'un, but I hope that at the wise young age of one you hold onto the truth you have earned that the Struggle is all part of the Journey. Ask any caterpillar.

Your Gorgeous Self

It's one of those themes that comes up every single day.
On the News.
In the office.
On the Papers.
In the Soaps.
You see it all over the place, and yet maybe it's too easily glossed over.
It's one of those things I think every person I've ever met in my life has wrestled with or puzzled over at some point. It’s central to a happy and productive life.

It's the theme of role models and who do we really want to be like. Hey, good question - who do you want to be like? Who specifically comes to mind?

Soren Kierkegaard, the Danish philosopher, once said, 'With God's help I will become myself.' But I guess we all need other people to help us grow in becoming comfortable in our own skin, and it takes time. A lifetime. Or put it another way – we are wired to need other people help us make sense of who we really are.

We cannot become ‘fully ourselves’ on our own.

Now, put yourself in a 11 year old’s shoes. (Squeeeeeeze yourself in). You’re (perhaps accidentally) watching this week’s Six O’Clock News, and the question of ‘Who shall I look up to?’ is buzzing in your mind.  Yes, 11 year olds do ask such questions. Unconsciously.

The stories you watch include:
Duain Chambers lifetime ban from Olympic athletics for drug cheating is now equivalent to a playtime ban. You figure there are no real consequences to cheating or drug-taking. (Yeah yeah I know it’s not that simple but…) And you hope Duain wins a gold for Team GB. The country will cheer him on, won’t they? Forgive and Forget and all that.
David Cameron and Ed Miliband are shouting and pointing aggressively at each other in the House of Commons – and in the next breath they are talking about respect and civil society. You figure that leaders get to insult other people for free. Cooooool.
Prince William & Kate Middleton are celebrating their first year wedding anniversary. She’s perfect (actually, I think she might be). He’s nearly perfect except the bald patch. They’re perfect together - so the media want to tell us. Does she snore? Does he burp? Who flushes the loo for them? You figure it’s time to switch channel…

What do you come away with? Who’s going to show you how to “do life” and “become the real you”? It’s such a confused picture our society presents, isn’t it? Choices without consquences; Leadership without listening; Portrayal of love without reality.

The problem is that this confusion leads too easily to problem behaviours. Distorted perceptions of self in the mirror (dysmorphia) because our bodies don't match up. Unhealthy comparisons and ‘not successful enough’ labels because our brains don't match up. 
Trickles into depression.
Cascades into self-harm.
Explodes into riots on the streets.
The have’s and the have nots.
Those who get away with cheating and those who don’t.
Those who are paid to point fingers and insult the person in front of them and those that aren’t in the House of Commons.

Role Models.

There are so many of them. Everywhere.

And the great thing is we do get to choose who we want to copy from, model ourselves on, learn from.

Time to take control. Turn off the TV. Close the newspaper. Shut down the internet for 15 minutes. HAVE SOME PEACE AND QUIET.

What if you notice those around you that you’d prefer to be like?
What do you appreciate about them? Have you told them?
What could you learn from them? Have you asked them?

And with God’s help, may you become Your Gorgeous Self.

Laughing In The Face Of Death

Think of someone who has affected your life for good. Can you picture their face, and hear their voice? I wonder, what it was about them that impacted you so much...

Whilst you consider that, let me tell you about a 'sticky' moment, by which I mean a moment that will stick with me forever. 

The Visit

I was sitting in hospital with a friend called David a few weeks before he died. David radically altered the way I think about myself. And about life. You know that kind of guy? He was on the final leg of his journey of a cancer that eventually whisked him away from life far far far too early. He was taller and thinner than most people you meet, and his voice resonated with the sound of authority.

On handing him a bunch of white roses, I asked him the question. "David, how do you cope?" 

Just five words. But hiding in that question were other questions like 'Why is this happening? Are you going to die? Why haven't I made more of our time together? What do you think when your body is wasting away?'

One question in which lay every question.

He chuckled. I will always remember that chuckle. How one chuckle can reveal the immensity of the Man. Laughing in the face of death. Literally.

"I think about everything I'm thankful for." That's what he said. He hadn't practised it, he hadn't had a sneak peek at the back of the Book Of Life for the Right Answer. But 'Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks'.

It's not just you

In our mentoring work with young people - close to 200 individual young people in the last 7 months - the theme of coping comes up a lot.  E v e r y    s i n g l e    d a y   in fact. 

How to assist young people to cope with parents or losing their parents, one or both at the same time. How to cope with teachers, and help teachers cope with them. How to cope with puberty, and the turbocharged bodily changes they are going through. How to cope with self-harm, addictions to pornography, going through sex change, problems of bad diets.... Somewhere between the safe harbour of 'Facing It' and the distant land of 'Overcoming It' lies the em-ocean of 'How do I cope with it?'

Some days, coping with life can feel like a mammoth task. (You know... large, hairy and from another time).

Coping Strategies

Dr Chris Madden, a clinical psychologist, identifies eight specific categories of coping. Although he doesn't suggest 'Laughing in the face of death' as one of them, he does identify 'Being Philosophical' about things. Stepping out of the now and taking a longer term view. Mentally rising above your death bed and noticing things other than the hospital, the chemo treatment, the sheer bodily pain, the embarrassment. 

What else do you notice when you look away from your problem?

Some of the other coping categories are 'Acting out' and 'Addictions' - Dr.M highlighting that there are unhealthy ways of coping just as there are healthier ones.

Past, Present, Future?

David was an example of not looking at the past and moaning about why... or being overwhelmed by the demands of the present... but choosing to look to the future and consider 'What next?' And the only way to face whatever is coming next is to meet it head on with a heart full of gratitude.

Thank you David, thank you.

- If you would like to make a donation towards the work of Lifespace Trust with young people facing and overcoming disadvantage, then please visit www.lifespace.org.uk and click on the lovely red VirginMoneyGiving logo in the bottom left corner. If you do, then thank you.

- Thank you to David's wife Meryl for permission to publish this. A fabulous lady indeed.

The Small Head and Big Ears of Love

Have you noticed that it gets less mention on the nightly news than the weather or MP expenses? Yet it is a language every human has the ability to respond to. Love is like oxygen. Easy to miss but impossible to live without.

The Big Baddies?

Yesterday I heard another report has come out analysing the causes of the English summer riots of 2011. Allegedly, who and what is to blame?

1.       Poor parenting

2.       Lack of respect for the Police

3.       Schools providing lack of literacy support

4.       Too much consumerism

5.       Lack of opportunities for young people.

The report possibly has some noble things to say but will it mention the L-word? Love, or the sheer stupid lack of it.  Why don’t we talk about it? We focus on what we talk about.

Why isn’t Love the central theme of the school curriculum, the government budget or the bottom line in the Annual report? When did it slip off the radar?

Now, I’m considering whether ‘mentoring’ is ‘love’ by another name. This ancient tradition of giving time, exchanging stories, and nurturing life in another.

‘Love One Another’ is the concept = ‘Mentor One Another’ is the practice.

 “I feel loved when…”

I asked my kids to finish a sentence recently. You could do this for yourself if you like:

Daddy: ‘Okay kids, here’s how it works. I say the sentence and you finish it. “I feel loved when…”  - what would you say?’

My daughter (age 5): (She jumps up and down on the spot as if sparks of electricity are charging through her) “I feel loved when….when….um….when…when I have cuddles and kisses from daddy.”

My eldest son (age 7): “I feel loved when we play games together, daddy.” He subsequently listed more games than I can remember.

My kids haven’t read Gary Chapman’s ‘The Five Love Languages’…or they have but haven’t told me, but they reveal the truth of it. Love is rich in the way it can be shown – through time together; gifts given; touch offered; words spoken; actions done. My dad is an Action(s) Man. My wife is a Gifts Girly. We all have a preference or two it seems.

Love delights in difference and diversity.

Back to Big Baddy Number One…

Poor parenting. The riots happened because of poor parenting? Really? Parents can only love if they first know love - surely. If we blame the parents, then what about the parents’ parents? Where does it lead? How far back do we have to go? So let’s blame the teachers, and the Police, and the media….and...and...

Let’s take this to the only logical conclusion there is. We Are All Responsible. We Are All Responsible For Love.

Neither you nor I can change what happened last summer. Awful things happened, and I’m still hoping there will be a report which doesn’t just blame-find and finger-point.

Time For Positive Finger Pointing

If we’re going to point fingers, what would happen if we point firstly at these words, and then point to ourselves…?

“Love is patient” – love doesn’t take time. It gives time.

“Love is kind” – it believes you are more than you think you are.

“It does not envy, boast, nor is it proud.” – Love is easy to overlook because it has a small head with big ears.

“It values others, rather than saying ‘me first’…” – Who wouldn’t admire someone with this attitude?

“It keeps no record of wrongs” – Love has a brilliant memory problem.

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – Love isn’t for softees. Love is robust and energetic.

Love never fails. I know I have deeply failed at times. My parents failed me, sometimes. My kids fail everso occasionally. My teachers failed to do something about me being bullied for four years. We’re definitely all in this one together.

"But three remain: faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love."

Love Is. Fullstop. 

An extra mile?

“Anybody can do what I’m doing but you’ve got to want it with all your heart.”

Pat Farmer is possibly not a name you’ve heard of, unless Australian Politics is your specialist Mastermind subject. And although Pat Farmer may not be a name you remember for long, his feat may be something you never forget. Perhaps his feet will also linger long in your memory.

Have you ever felt pushed to the limit? You know that gnawing sense of wanting to give up, when each day lasts 25 hours and each week is nine days long? I guess most of us have.

If this is the case right now, then remember Pat’s words. 

“Anybody can do what I’m doing but you’ve got to want it with all your heart.” 

Pat is a former car mechanic who on the 19th January this year - having been out for a run - finally arrived at his destination. His journey took him through snow blizzards and sweltering jungles; he faced armed bandits and polar bears; he narrowly avoided being killed by a crashing-truck and he ended up with two black feet that resembled mince meat. He’s not black, just his feet.

For 288 days, Pat ran. 

From the North Pole, to the South Pole, Pat ran. In one go, through 14 countries without a day off. As amazing as he is, he didn’t actually run across the seas in between, though.

Pat clocked up 13,000 miles, running equivalent to 500 marathons in a row without a break. Most days were 50-milers. 

But there was a reason. 

There is always a reason to keep going and not give up, you just have to find it and hold onto it. Hold onto it tightly with both hands and both feet if necessary.

“People think I’m some kind of superhuman. But I hurt all night. And in the morning I’m like a cripple until I get going and loosened up" says Pat.

None of us are super-human but we can all choose to keep going towards our horizon when we hold onto our reasons. 

What kept Pat going? “I endured a lot on the run but the people of South America, East Timor and Africa who have no clean water. Those victims of earthquakes and flood and famines. They have it tough too.” Pat was running for Red Cross and raising awareness of their work around the world. Even the Polar Bears know about them now.

Reading Pat’s story (1) has jolted my perception of what’s tough...again. For what it’s worth, here are three thoughts his story provokes in me:

1. Look out. We all need a cause beyond ourselves to help us through tough times. A picture bigger than our own portrait. “Who else is this goal / task for?”
2. Think long. While I’m not (yet) tempted to run 500 marathons on the bounce, I like that sense of a joined-up journey. Of making the horizon of dreams stretch out beyond the span of my own control. “Where - and to whom - does this goal lead me next?”
3. Start here. Even when your feet are mashed and your bones ache and you’ve hurt all night, just go another step.  All the steps join up. “I’ve come this far” can be an energy-giving thought while you loosen up.

So, whatever you and I face right now - however steep the climb, foggy the view, or puzzling the place we find ourselves - let's remember Pat Farmer. He believes. So can we.

“Anybody can do what I’m doing but you’ve got to want it with all your heart.”

(1) Men's Running magazine, April 2012, pp.23-24. Story by Jon Edwards.

I Just Want To Praise You!

How good does it feel when someone notices you've done a good job on something? When you hear those words "Well done for...!" and you know all the effort was worthwhile?

Hey, most people don't mind getting a bit of praise now and then. Consider how praise gives us energy to persevere. To succeed. To excel.

(Well done for reading this far by the way).

Being praised is one of those profoundly normal human needs, along with chocolate and sleep. Not necessarily in that order. Praise is - according to psychologist and author Stephen Biddulph - especially vital for boys. And I think it's necessary for girls too - with a tweek.

But. (There's that word). But...sometimes praise doesn't do it's job. Sometimes it ricochets off the edge of the target, like aiming waste paper at the bin and it hits the rim and, oh, you get the idea.

So - here are THREE HANDY THINGS to understand about praise. How to get it "in".

1. Praise specifically

General praise is a nuisance - like a plastic bag twitching in the air on a blustery day. For praise to be effective you have to get a hold of it and put some content in it. Notice the difference between a teacher saying "You did really well today" and "You did really well at sitting still and asking questions today". Get rid of the ambiguity. Make it so that next time the person knows what to do - precisely.

But don't list too many things. Praising 47 specific things might send them to sleep.

2. Praise process, not just result

Put aside the skewiff obsession with grades and results. Process matters. 'How' not just 'What'. Understanding 'how' builds capacity and resilience for the future. Prof. Carol Dweck from Stanford University has written some fab stuff about 'Fixed' vs. 'Growth' mindset in a book called - wait for it - "Mindset".

A quick story:

I watched my 5 year old daughter swimming the other day. When it came to her doing front crawl I thought she had turned into an octopus. Arms and legs were all over the place. Olympic-material for 2028 she certainly wasn't. And yet I could see the sheer almost-tear-filled determination in her eyes as she looked over at me.

As if to say "Daddy - how did I do?"

My 'bigtime thumbs up' from the parents' viewing gallery was for her awesome effort. Not for looking like a sea creature from the deep. Truth is, we can only steer something that's moving and praise keeps people moving. Even if they look like an octopus for a while.

(Hey, well done for picturing an octopus just then).

Praising the process - "I can see you're working hard" helps people nurture a mindset of 'I can get better at this' and avoid the binary mindset of 'Am I good at this or not?' Thinking in terms of 'Success/Failure' is at the brink of many problems.

3. Praise the person in front of you

Back to the boy/girl thing. Let me suggest a generalisation that's often (not-always-but-often) true. Boys usually prefer 'Deadpan Praise' and girls usually prefer 'Energetic praise'.
More true is that quieter personalities - introverts let's say - receive praise easier if it's delivered quieter, with care. More gregarious folks - extroverts - receive praise more readily if it's got some oomph, emotion and high five-ness about it.

Put it to the test. Notice what happens. Adjust.

One thing is for sure. We all live in the same room, the 'room for improvement' and it's the biggest room in the world. Life is far more fun - and easier - when we fill that room with the sound of praise.

Imagine that.

Running Red Lights

I admit it was exhilarating at the time.

As I looked at the road ahead, it was a continuous line of traffic lights, all showing red. This was Leeds  City Ring Road at its most ferocious on a September weekend.

I raced through the first one. Then the second. That's when I noticed the Police. But I kept going, the adrenalin thundering in my body. The Police stayed put. I pushed my luck and went through a third. This time I thought I saw the Police applaud.

This was odd. The Police were cheering me on as I raced through red lights.

Can you remember a time when you 'saw red'? When you broke through a barrier despite the warning signals?

In our mentoring work, we frequently speak to young people who have run 'red lights' emotionally. The consequences include broken fists, holes left in walls and fences, and broken ankles. But it's not just the physical impact. What about the mental consequences? The lost peace of mind? The worry, the confusion?

I guess most of us have run red lights from time to time. We've been on that journey where anger has unfortunately evolved into aggression. It doesn't have to. It could collapse into withdrawal or stand up for itself and become assertive bargaining. But often the default of angry actions is 'aggression'.

So, whether you're prone to 'fight' or 'take flight' when the red lights are glowing and your body is acting like an alarm clock, here's a few thoughts to police yourself, or others around you if they're the red-lighters.

A - Acknowledge
Acknowledge something's up. Acknowledge the rising tension. Acknowledge the clenching fists, teeth, and...um...buttocks? (Will have to check that last one out). Acknowledge what has been lost. Remember that's why anger springs up in the first place. That's why it's part of our human wiring. It rapidly draws our attention to the fact that something important to us has been lost. Acknowledge what it is - lost respect? Lost time? Lost opportunity? Name it.

B - Buy yourself time (and keep Breathing!)
When the brain is sending out its 'red warning lights', a highly toxic class of steroid is being released (glucocorticoids) which has the effect of shrinking our brains. Yes, your brain can shrink. The sea-horse shaped part of the brain called the hippocampus - that piece of our neurological jigsaw in charge of learning and memory - shrinks. Hands up if you want a smaller brain? To counter this, to help the stress-steroid process 'ASAP' (it takes at least about 10 minutes), Buy Yourself Some Time. As yet, this is something you can't get from Amazon so go for a walk. Find a safe place. Get fresh air. And breathe deeply. "Four in up the nose; Eight out through the mouth" as a midwife might say. Buy Yourself Some Bonus Time. Give your brain a chance to think. Breathing helps you control your brain which in turn controls, well, I guess the brain controls quite a few things most days.

C - Can't, Can, Choose
Don't think about doing what you can't do. Do do what you can do. Yes, I really said 'do do'. When 'red lights' are stretching out ahead of you, there will be somethings that are not in your control, and may never be. The weather, the economy and the school curriculum are at least three. As our good cigar-puffing hero Winston Churchill once said when faced with his own 'red lights'... "I make two lists. I list all the things I can't control. Then I list all the things I can control. I do something about all those things I can control. Then... I go to sleep." Choose to do something positive that you are in control of.

Acknowledge what's up. Buy some time. Choose something positive.

That autumnal day in Leeds lives with me still. The day that I just kept going. Red light after red light. Whatever possessed me?

Truth be told, the Police were cheering and clapping me and thousands of other runners on. A river of runners in colourful vests tackling the Leeds half marathon, with city roads closed for the occasion.

My only way out here is to say that you don't have to stop at every red light - but do notice it and decide an appropriate course of action. The Police might be watching and I can't promise that they'll clap.

Mentoring: The most lethal question?

Have you noticed how lethal the question ‘WHY?’ can be? And the reaction it gets?

Whether in parenting, teaching, business, coaching... You name it, ‘Why?’ is a dangerous weapon.

Hmmm. Why is that?

Oftentimes the question ‘Why?’ evokes a defensive response. People start thinking they are being questioned and judged. Hands up if you enjoy that? Relating gets usurped by justifying.

Of course the impact of asking ‘Why?’ will depend on how it’s said, and can still be handy if you want to create direct confrontation or challenge someone. There is a place for that.

However - the words ‘HOW COME?’ can restore rapport.

‘How come?’ allows curiosity to be expressed; it takes conversation onward not inward, it gets to the positive intention behind a person’s action, and is safer.

How come we don’t use it more often?

You're Gorgeous

What do you say to yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror?

I regularly ask groups of teenagers this question. I present them with 30 words – such as ugly, cheerful, selfish, kind – and they get to choose any five words as to how they describe themselves. Over the past few years a pattern has emerged. When I ask how many of them have ‘more positive words than negative’ a few tentative almost guilty hands go up. Invert the question, and there is a mass rush. The stats? About 96% are in this second group.

Fact: Most teenagers have a real downer on themselves.

So, what do you say to yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror?

What would you change? What do you see that you really like?

The first time I was airbrushed was painless. It was involuntarily for the front cover of our marriage service sheet where I was made to look like George Clooney. No, actually it was just the ‘odd blemish’ that was vaporised. Man, I looked unreal.

The truth is this: Most people want to change something about how they look. There’s far too much comparing body to body that goes on and not enough ‘maybe I’m okay as I am’. Sure, many people want to look their best which is great, and that’s very different to believing they don’t look ‘good enough’ which presents itself as a constant striving for something new.

This issue of airbrushing is something that teenagers tell me affects how they feel about themselves. Girls particularly, but not exclusively. They’re clued up to the unrealism of por*ography and the intimacy-void it promotes and fails to fulfil. Airbrushed sex. Hmmm, not very romantic.

Many young people are genuinely surprised when we unveil the extent of photo-shopping in the media – natural body marks and even bones wiped out. Necks elongated, eyes widened, noses shrunk, busts expanded. It all gets ‘the treatment’.

Fact: Much of what we see on billboards, magazine pages, glossy brochures isn’t real. They’re not real people.

They don’t exist.

They’re not people you can become Friends with on Facebook.

Those finished specimens don’t have their own fingerprints.

This issue was brought home to me last week. Quite literally it was brought home to me through the letter box in a plastic wrap. The front cover model of Runner’s World UK had an image of a runner without sweat - which is fair enough because he was in a studio not the Great Outdoors. But the bloke had legs smoother than a lady from a BaByLis advert and a streamlined jaw which was too perfect for my liking. Possibly just jaw-jealousy that last bit.

Those who know me know I’m a runner.  Running is definitely not about airbrushing. Running is not about instant change. Running is not about looking perfect for a roadside billboard. Running is about coping with life’s tricky stuff whatever that is for the individual, taking control of your headspace, and by pounding the road or trails for mile after struggling mile turning it all into something positive. So you can look at your sweaty puddle-splattered body in the mirror and say ‘well done’. 

Because I do believe really and truly that it is not what’s on the outside that matters so much. But getting to a place, however skewiffy the process might have been or still is, of accepting yourself.

Being able to look at yourself in the mirror and say “Hey, you’re alright.” Honestly, when was the last time you did that?

The psalmist David uses a phrase. He writes that the The Creator of All Things looks at you and says you are ‘the apple of his eye’. Bible-speak for ‘You’re flippin’ gorgeous, just as you are’.

“Wave your hands in the air” I sometimes say to the gathering of young people. “Look super carefully at your fingerprints. Notice the swirls and loops and arches.” A hundred adolescent heads peer at their fingertips and whispered jokes begin and – honestly – looks of amazement occur. For some it’s as if they’re thinking “On my goodness! Who just put those fingerprints there!?”

“There’s the proof. No-one else on planet earth has those same marks. Seven billion people alive today, and only you have that set of marks. Proof that you are unique. You are a rare species of one. You’re flippin’ gorgeous just as you are.”

It’s a simple exercise, but a truth-filled one. If the Advertising industry had its way I daresay our fingerprints would be airbrushed away. I fear for the day that “compareyourself.com” is launched. How dare we be ourselves.

Fact: Most if not all of us want to be accepted as we are. No more trying to prove ourselves, compare ourselves, digitally enhance ourselves.

Now, what would that be like?

Yes, I have contacted Runner’s World UK about their front covers asking about their image enhancement policy. They might ignore me, again. But at least I can look myself in the eye, in the mirror, and remind myself that I’m alright. Maybe not George Clooney, but I’m alright.

And you? Hey, you’re gorgeous. Remember that next time you look at yourself in the mirror.

Mentoring: The problem with 'BUT'

Ever wondered about the impact of your 'BUT'? 

Not as in 'Does your butt look big in this?'... as in 'What effect does saying 'but' have on what you're communicating?' 

The word 'BUT' is a lazy way of saying you disagree with someone. "Yeah I hear what you're saying BUT..." (But = I don't really hear what you're saying at all...)

‘But’ is like a hole in the road.

How about using the word 'AND' instead? Far more seamless, more...elegant. "Yeah I hear what you're saying AND..." (And = I do hear what you're saying, and my opinion is different and can sit alongside yours...)

Sure, use BUT if you want to break rapport, close down conversation or stir up a heated debate. There's a time for that.... And there's also the time now to use cleaner and clearer language. 

Enjoy playing with it, and notice what happens...

Mentoring: Rear View Mirrors

It counts as one of the most, let's say "unexpected" days of my life. 


The paintballing trip for our students didn't look too promising when we had to pull our minibus over on the way there.  One unconfessing 15 year old was shooting a BB gun at the driver's head.


I was the driver.


From there things escalated into chaos, or de-escalated into hell, depending on whether you're standing on your head, because I may as well have been. Between the three staff - all of us respectable teachers from the College - we managed to round up most of our students just before the knife got used by a rivalling school gang. But not before the plank of wood with rusty nails in had connected with the leg of a kid from another School. Great planning this was. Don't ask me whether the plank 'knocked any sense' into them. 


Paintballing guns. Knives. Hoodies. BB guns. Street talk and odd hand waving gestures. I had been cast into a low grade Snoop Dogg video, when all I really wanted was Snoopy.


Reverse Gear


With the College minibus door finally shut, and a dozen roudy-singing-so-loudly-you'd-think-they-were-drunk students piling on top of each other, I stuck it into reverse gear.


That's when I had a fresh appreciation for the sturdiness of trees.


And the not-so-sturdiness of College minibuses. 


Imagine the scene: Twelve rioting teenagers trapped in a minibus that's collided with a tree in an attempt to escape World War IV. The words 'I'm a teacher get me out of here!' would rarely have been more appropriate. Thank goodness all this is nearly 10 years ago.


Rear View Mirrors Are Under-Rated


Ah, the Rear View Mirror. It's an under-rated thing, isn't it. Along with humming. Under-rated.


But there is such tremendous value in stopping and looking at what's behind us, now and again. Not just in the literal Rear View Mirror which thankfully come with most models of vehicle in the UK, even minibuses. I mean the metaphorical one that is in our imaginations. The Rear View Mirror of Mentoring, as it were. 


It's all too easy to remember and rehearse today's problems and forget that some of yesterday's or last years have gone. D i s a p p e a r e d.  Hey, how did that happen? 


Quick Thinking Task


1. Pick a problem you've come through - Something where you are now living in the light at the end of the tunnel. 
2. Enjoy the fact you're through it. Smile. Deep breath. Hey, you're through it!
3. Now think about what specifically helped you through... Can you list 5 things? 
People? Behaviours? Mental strategies? Risks? Changing something? Keep going 'til you reach at least five.
Because there's vital things to learn and carry with you for whatever you face next. You will face another mountain, challenge or problem, and part of your toolkit for moving forward is right there in the Rear View Mirror.


I like the fact that - right now - I am at home and nowhere near a dented College minibus. Or a rioting band of teenagers. 


I've learned to look around for help a little more often, to recognise my limitations a little more quickly - including minibus driving - and if something stresses you out then you've got to do what you can do, and not what you can't. Those lads also taught me that disasters aren't usually personal however much they can feel that way. Oh, and I've learned that now and again it's really good to pause and look back. 


Because you never know if someone's just planted a 100 year old oak tree next to you.

The F-Word

Roger Bannister. What a man, and what a failure.

We know him for his lung-busting 3 minutes 59.4 seconds of running on the Iffley Road athletics track on that breezy May day in 1954. The celebrated finish line moment caught on camera, his chin aloft, shoulders back, trackside timekeepers with fingers on clocks.

And there is a lesser known part to Roger’s story, before this great F-is-for-Finishing moment.

Two years previous to becoming the first ever known man in the world to run a whole mile in under four minutes, Roger was dealing with another F-word. F-is-for-Failure.

It was such a monumental let down, in his eyes, that it caused him to seriously contemplate hanging up his running shoes for good. He wanted to call it a day. “I came, I ran, I missed out”. Hardly a speech to rouse the troops.

Before the two year intense battle to run the first ever ‘sub-4 minute mile’, a battle between Roger and his two rivals – Wes Santee of the U.S. and John Landy from Down-Under - there was the small matter of the Olympic Games in Helsinki.

Even five decades ago the press were well versed in hype-over-hope and supercharging expectations. But when it came to it, however much the British press had all but guaranteed Roger the gold medal in the 1,500 metres, Roger didn’t deliver. He finished in the worst place possible. F-is-for-Fourth. He was crucified in the press.

Demoralised, defeated, down trodden. “I can’t do this anymore” were the words ringing in Roger’s mind. He had given years of his life to intensive early morning sprint training alongside the rigorous demands of training as a medical doctor in Oxford. He had other aspirations he could pursue.

But he did ‘do it anymore’.

The Japanese have a saying, ‘Fall Down Seven Times, Stand Up Eight.’

On the verge of hanging up his running spikes, Roger made a decision. A decision he had no way of knowing would be a landmark in history. A decision when His-Story became History.

We rarely get the privilege in advance of knowing that our brave decisions to Stand Up Again when we have Fallen, will yield our desired result. Perhaps it’s a matter of F-is-for-Faith.

As the apostle Paul once said, ‘We walk by faith, not by sight.’ Most of the time we have to live with the ‘sight’ in our heads of the dream we are working towards, before we see it materialise.

We’ve all Fallen. We’ve all Failed. We’ve all lacked Faith at times. It’s human and normal.

And what happens next is a choice. “Fall Down Seven Times…”

What if there is no such thing as failure? Only feedback. What if failure is just information on how to not do something?

Seb Coe, another running-hero of mine, once said ‘The paradox of excellence is built on the necessity of failure.’ That’s right, the necessity of it. However much we may not like the taste of failure, it can – if we embrace it – give us something firm to build on. F-is-for-Foundations.

Not many of us will break a world record or be the first person to achieve such and such. But our choices become part of our History, and our failures can become a rich part of our Story.

We have all failed. And we are not failures. Perhaps we are all just finding our way to run our race a little better.

Chin up, shoulders back, keep running…

Mind The Gap

Was This Slave Labour?

Cast your mind back. Do you remember ‘Bob A Job’?

If you were a Boy Cub or Scout then you may recall that special week in the year when you were given permission to go and make your ‘million dollars’ in the community. You could knock on doors down your street and offer to cut lawns, shine shoes, clean toilets… in your scouting uniform, and then when the job was done just put your hand out… and happily receive a bit of cash.

I remember potting up plants with my older brother, for 3-4 hours on a baking afternoon out the back of a huge house. For a quid. A whole one pound. Slave labour? No, I loved it. The look and feel of that hard-earned pound was awesome.

Something For Nothing

Wind the clock forward a few years and I vividly recall the first house I went to as a volunteer helper with a charity called ACET (Aids Care Education and Training).

I had successfully navigated the buses of North London, knocked on the door of the given address and waited. And…waited. I checked the scrap of paper with the address. When the door eventually opened, the stick thin man – who I had already been told was HIV+, looked at me and clearly his idea of a cleaner was something very very different to me.

I clocked the look of Disappointment.

But I vacuumed. Boy, did I vacuum clean that house. I ironed shirts (badly, but not badly-on-purpose which is a different matter), I disinfected his bathroom and I generally kept myself busy for hours. The reason was that I was a bit scared. I wasn’t prepared for the amount of ‘paraphernalia’ someone this unwell would have in the house. He didn’t talk to me, but that didn’t matter. I was there to serve. Simple.

The man is dead now but the memory of that house lives on. For one profound reason – the joy of doing something for somebody for nothing. Call it volunteering, call it giving, call it learning how to clean. There was sheer joy in the process.

Mind The Gap

My point in mentioning these experiences?

Well, a member of staff said to me in a school this week, quite seriously:

‘School’s the last place you want to come if you want to learn something’.

While it’s not entirely true, we could all have a good poke at the national curriculum for irrelevancy. I agree it needs a bit of a shake. A really good firm shake to be fair. My criticism is not at teachers, of whom I know many and they are some of the most generous, dedicated, striving-for-excellence people I know. Some of them I count amongst my heroes.

Yes of course it is a farce that the government are seeking to scrap work related learning, against the vast backdrop of evidence of Young Enterprise and the Institute for Education and Business Excellence (IEBE) amongst others.

Where in the curriculum for every child between the ages of 11-16 are those Bob-A-Job experiences where they are given permission and support (not just for two weeks) to create, invent and make money?

A National Gift


Our nation’s gift is entrepreneurialism. The world needs us to take that gift seriously and make our contribution. Until we do, the economy will stumble and poverty and disease will accelerate.

Yes, I DO mind the gap between academia and real life issues. I really mind it.

Schools should be a greenhouse for finding solutions for the world’s problems, a platform for learning how to cope and thrive, a safe place to experiment, a chance to learn about money and business and stewardship and contribution. Given the amount of hours spent in adult life engaged in business of some kind, how come the word business is so little talked about?

A New Curricular Proposal

So here’s my tongue-in-cheek proposal for the new national curriculum for 2013 or whenever it gets hit with the ‘Refresh’ button.

1.    Less Science. Oh come on, there's far too much of it.

2.    Everyone in Key Stage 4 gets a Business Mentor from the local community with chances to go and visit different businesses (not just a week of work experience).

3.    Less written work and controlled assessments. About 50% less would be a good start.

4.    Time to write your business plan and present it to Business folk.

5.    Grades/rewards given for effort and attitude... not just outcome.

6.    A chance to volunteer with a local group for an hour or more a week. D of E style.

7.    Every child sets up their own website to trade through with a % of profits going to support local charity groups of their choice.

8.    Opportunities and workshops on public speaking and story telling.

9.    You get the idea.

This enterprise-stuff shouldn’t be reserved for Business Studies A-level, it’s Life Studies.

It shouldn’t be kept at bay until students are 16, 17, 18… Young people who are 11 aren’t just Younger than us, they are also Newer than us.

Mind the gap… without a radical shake up young people will keep drifting into all the things we are already worried about for them.