Falling With Style

It's happened. Yet again, it's happened. This is the third time in our house, now.

Our newest child - one who comes with all the latest mod-cons - has taken his first steps. In fact, in motor vehicle terms he has gone from 0-60 in a matter of days. It's incredible to watch. Have you ever been in on the process? It's fascinating to analyse it.

First - there's the twinkle in the eye. Next comes the rolling over onto the tummy, and a giggle. Then within days, that rolling has turned into commando-crawling, elbows doing the work. SAS eat your heart out. Actually, don't. That would be gross.

Then the crawling turns into wild arm waving (picture the little one at a JLS concert) and then grabbing nearest furniture legs / human legs / dishwasher door* (*or all at the same time in a bid for an Octopus impression).

Then one day it happens.

It warrants a phone call from the wife and a whole album of pictures on the iPhone and accompanying commentary on Facebook. Then sit back and watch the world 'Like' 'Like' 'Like' 'Like'.... He takes his first Big Steps on his Own. And the accomplishment is known as a resounding success. Grade A* young lad. Superb effort.

But from thereon a mystifying shift takes place. Once those first steps are proven, it seems society at large starts measuring things by outcome, rather than process. All the time our dear little Toby is struggling, grabbing, falling with style, inconveniencing, reaching out, tumbling, failing, disturbing, trying, disrupting ...in a bid to show the world he can walk on his own two (cute) (small) (dinky) feet, it's okay. We expect that.

But flash forward in time and somehow once the First Steps and First Words are boxes ticked, and one reaches the 'teenage' years ('the in-between-agers') or even Big Grown Ups in the odd-world called Business - any behaviour that appears to warrant descriptions of 'Struggling' or 'Failing' is bang out of order. How dare you Struggle! Failing Is Shameful. Struggling Is For Wimps. I can see the t-shirt slogans now.

Bang Bang you're out.  As-if we should get it right first time? Or second time at least? 'Expectations are the greatest source of unhappiness' says Neale Donald Walsch. How come we expect to get everything right. All the time? When did we decide that? Who says that's how it must stay? We do it as parents. We do it in business. We do it in our own gorgeous heads. Berating, Blaming, Banging our heads against the fridge door. First Time or else.

If Love is Patient, Love is Kind then - to quote that celebrity sage Will.I.Am and his Black Eyed Peas crew, Where is the Love? Is Love only for those two and under?

When did Process become a dirty word? It's all grades, results, performance, outcomes. Which is fine, really - I run marathons and the outcome always matters to me... And what about all the struggling, grabbing, reaching out, disturbing, failing that goes into getting the result? Marathon running taught me that process matters.

Last time I looked nobody was born with a magic wand in their hand. Not even Harry Potter.

"Success is going from failure to failure without losing hope" suggested Winston Churchill.

So to all those of us who are still carrying L-plates in our lives - as parents, partners, colleagues, leaders, friends. Keep On. If you're down, get back up again. If you failed, its just handy information about how not to do something. You're not a failure. You're a resilient learner. You may not remember your first steps, but that same resilience is within you. Always. Right now it's there.

And, well done Toby for a majestic effort. Effort is what we should praise more than Right Answers (thank you Dr.Carol Dweck for that reminder). For falling and getting back up again, even off the tarmac with your pink and grazed knees. Life, sadly, will have you grazing your knees again my littl'un, but I hope that at the wise young age of one you hold onto the truth you have earned that the Struggle is all part of the Journey. Ask any caterpillar.

Your Gorgeous Self

It's one of those themes that comes up every single day.
On the News.
In the office.
On the Papers.
In the Soaps.
You see it all over the place, and yet maybe it's too easily glossed over.
It's one of those things I think every person I've ever met in my life has wrestled with or puzzled over at some point. It’s central to a happy and productive life.

It's the theme of role models and who do we really want to be like. Hey, good question - who do you want to be like? Who specifically comes to mind?

Soren Kierkegaard, the Danish philosopher, once said, 'With God's help I will become myself.' But I guess we all need other people to help us grow in becoming comfortable in our own skin, and it takes time. A lifetime. Or put it another way – we are wired to need other people help us make sense of who we really are.

We cannot become ‘fully ourselves’ on our own.

Now, put yourself in a 11 year old’s shoes. (Squeeeeeeze yourself in). You’re (perhaps accidentally) watching this week’s Six O’Clock News, and the question of ‘Who shall I look up to?’ is buzzing in your mind.  Yes, 11 year olds do ask such questions. Unconsciously.

The stories you watch include:
Duain Chambers lifetime ban from Olympic athletics for drug cheating is now equivalent to a playtime ban. You figure there are no real consequences to cheating or drug-taking. (Yeah yeah I know it’s not that simple but…) And you hope Duain wins a gold for Team GB. The country will cheer him on, won’t they? Forgive and Forget and all that.
David Cameron and Ed Miliband are shouting and pointing aggressively at each other in the House of Commons – and in the next breath they are talking about respect and civil society. You figure that leaders get to insult other people for free. Cooooool.
Prince William & Kate Middleton are celebrating their first year wedding anniversary. She’s perfect (actually, I think she might be). He’s nearly perfect except the bald patch. They’re perfect together - so the media want to tell us. Does she snore? Does he burp? Who flushes the loo for them? You figure it’s time to switch channel…

What do you come away with? Who’s going to show you how to “do life” and “become the real you”? It’s such a confused picture our society presents, isn’t it? Choices without consquences; Leadership without listening; Portrayal of love without reality.

The problem is that this confusion leads too easily to problem behaviours. Distorted perceptions of self in the mirror (dysmorphia) because our bodies don't match up. Unhealthy comparisons and ‘not successful enough’ labels because our brains don't match up. 
Trickles into depression.
Cascades into self-harm.
Explodes into riots on the streets.
The have’s and the have nots.
Those who get away with cheating and those who don’t.
Those who are paid to point fingers and insult the person in front of them and those that aren’t in the House of Commons.

Role Models.

There are so many of them. Everywhere.

And the great thing is we do get to choose who we want to copy from, model ourselves on, learn from.

Time to take control. Turn off the TV. Close the newspaper. Shut down the internet for 15 minutes. HAVE SOME PEACE AND QUIET.

What if you notice those around you that you’d prefer to be like?
What do you appreciate about them? Have you told them?
What could you learn from them? Have you asked them?

And with God’s help, may you become Your Gorgeous Self.