Mentoring: Three Essential Themes

Mentoring is a beautiful thing.

It is a process between people that spans cultures, faiths, genders and industries. It bridges generations. Think of someone who has played a positive part in your life, take twenty seconds and you’ll have a name. And probably a smile and a story too. Mentoring pervades the fabric of our lives.

Mentoring, at its best, offers a safe place in life’s storms, a signpost at life’s junctions, and a stretching process at life’s edges. Just think of it: Where would we be without the mechanism of mentoring to help us not just survive - but really thrive?

In 15 years of mentoring being my day-to-day work, I am convinced there is no neat and tidy formula to it. Mentoring is not like wrestling with trigonometry, thank goodness, but there are what I would call ‘themes’.

I was in the kitchen at the weekend thinking about this and here is what crossed my mind…here are three “essential themes” to assist in nudging the mentoring process along, useful for any and every mentoring encounter:

Actions Speak Loudest

The request from a mentor: “Tell me about what you’re doing...” can unlock many insights that will not be gleaned from asking someone how they are feeling. Sure, emotions matter, they are ‘our energy to act’, but feelings are like clouds that linger and drift and pass away. (Pause for effect). Actions, however, provide an X-ray of our beliefs. Find a habitual action, and ask someone “What matters to you about doing that?” and it will take you somewhere. The first theme of mentoring is that ACTIONS matter, revealing patterns and the structure of problems.

Thought-Addict

The second theme of mentoring is that of ADDICTIONS. They will be probably in the background somewhere, but these issues have to be, as it were, “in the mentoring script, not left as scenery”. There are addictions that we must be really explicit about, usually because people find certain things hard to say. A kind of ‘awkward moment’ descends at the point of speaking.  For example, life’s voids, disappointments and setbacks are often filled with certain behaviours that are usually not positive, healthy, nor admirable. Issues such as self-harm (biting, hair-pulling, cutting etc.), pornography, cannabis use and eating disorders are all, in my experience and research, more widespread than we’d like to think. (NB. Professional help and contact with a GP may be necessary in dealing with some of these issues).

A mentor has to show some courage. “Can I ask you some direct questions?” is a good opener. Yes there has to be trust, and sometimes launching out directly is exactly the way that trust can be established. Trust has to be born, and all birthing provides some discomfort.

But it’s not just the obvious and lesser-talked about addictions. There are also those of ‘What do you think about yourself when you look in the mirror?’ The way we define ourselves defines our lives. “What do you normally think about ‘you’? What effect does that have?” the mentor might say…

Attitudes of the Heart

Have you ever worked with someone with “an attitude-problem”? It’s one of those terms that we’re all supposed to know what it means but we’re not sure we do. Attitudes are a cluster of beliefs. Sorting out an attitude-problem is like straightening out spaghetti, tangled together in multiple places.

If Billy has an attitude problem about a teacher then asking Billy what he believes about the teacher, teaching, and his learning will be handy. The responses may uncover the roots of the attitude. Take one of Billy’s beliefs for starters, give it a shake. Throw in some doubt. “Do you really believe that? When did you decide that? How will that belief help you in the future, or not?”  Remember, any question can be asked in the presence of good rapport. The third theme of mentoring is that ATTITUDES, not simply aptitudes, influence the outcomes in our lives.

Actions. Addictions. Attitudes. I can’t give you the precise recipe but these three ingredients will give your mentoring conversations structure, focus and momentum. It will stretch the requirement of trust. It will connect you with reality. And reality, after all, is a theme that we can’t get away from, for it runs through all our stories.

Trigonometry on the other hand, well that's a different matter. Thank goodness.

Mentoring: Four questions every mentor should ask, every time

Questions, questions, questions...
Who was the first person to milk a cow, and what did they think they were doing?
Who was the first person to ask a question? Was it an open, closed, funnelling or rhetorical question? So many questions. I wonder how many there are...

I've sometimes wondered...Where do all the questions go? And what would happen if we ran out of questions?
Would it be like running out of chocolate?

The 17th century-born philosopher, Voltaire said:
 "Judge a person by their questions, rather than their answers."
Hmm, wise words indeed.

Now, why am I going on like this? Because questions are central to the mentoring process, aren't they? You've probably noticed the effect that questions can have.

Here are 4 top questions every mentor should ask, whether in a school, business, faith or other setting. They work well in every session providing structured anchor points and in time a feeling of familiarity.

1. What's on your mind, today?
This question is a missile to the 'very present' moment. It offers the chance to talk about what's most important to the other person, in that instant. The answer might be "er...nothing much" but the physiology will tell you either that's true or not and guide you as to what you do/ask next. Without this question, the most pressing matter(s) may not come to light.

2. What do you want, today?
Most mentoring sessions are time-limited. It's possible to talk lots about not much, but we want purpose-filled not nonsense-filled conversations. How often do people press 'pause' and have a chance to give this question a thought. How often do we think about what we're thinking about? Good question. Even Jesus asked a blind man 'What do you want?' side-stepping assumption and hearing what the other person wanted the outcome to be.

3. How can I help?
Mentors have resources, contacts and expertise at their disposal, much of which is unconscious, that is it is 'not being currently thought of'. This question permissions the other person to request or bargain and open up the door to new resources. Sometimes the answer to this is 'Just listen to me. How affirming can being really listened to be for someone? My friend Tim calls it 'Exquisite listening'. Yep, I like that.

4. What will you do next?
This is a good question to ask near the end of the session. It is action-focused and works well with setting goals, and providing forward momentum. Don't get stuck, move the thinking forward, and encourage them to be 'at cause' (that is, taking responsibility) rather than 'effect' (what others will do for them).

I wonder what other questions you might want to ask, that you've noticed work well. Oh...and did you spot what's in common about all 4 of the above questions?

Is that the time? Gotta go and do some research about the origins of cow-milking - how much fun might that be?

The problem with Father Christmas

Do you remember that childhood occupation of writing your Christmas letter to Father Christmas? The excitement you had at dreaming up what else you could add to the list? There was that lovely innocent belief, wasn’t there, that you could decide something you wanted, scribble it down and - hey presto - in just a short period of time it would be delivered to your fireplace / the foot of your bed / under the tree* (*delete as applicable) With a “Ho Ho Ho” included.

Prepare yourself for bad news.

Father Christmas never got those letters. There were no magic elves.

If you got anything off your list it was (take a deep breath) down to the sheer hard work, sacrifice and organisation of others. Now I’m a parent of three small children I know how much effort it takes to deliver the goods – I watch my wife do a great job of organising the whole process!

Now I wonder how this connects to young people in school, or to you and I? 

What we DO come across in our mentoring work are young people (some, not all) who live and breathe with the corrosive idea lurking in their amazing minds that "whatever I want in life will just arrive". Maybe not in a red sack / pillow / sock* (*you get the idea) but that the universe will conspire to make it happen for them…but somehow without their involvement.

You start asking...When did they decide to become a passenger in their own magnificent life, the one that they have Chief Responsibility to lead? At what point does the penny drop that Accomplishment requires Action. Persistent, informed, purposeful action. Sometimes, the penny never drops.

The mentoring and education work of Lifespace revolves around the absolute passionate intention of helping young people lead their own lives in the direction they really want to go. Don't wait for Santa, because he ain't comin'.

Sometimes nurturing a young person’s belief in themselves can be harder than convincing them that Father Christmas might be out there. The obstacles seem many and are audible.

“But I can’t… But I tried… I can’t be bothered…I’m just not any good at…” Yet ask them what they want, and many people, not just teenagers, have a spark of an idea about how they want their life to be different. The limiting belief creates a limited range of behaviours.

Our advice to those people wanting to succeed at something?

Firstly, get clear on what you do want. Yes, writing it out does help, then you can SEE what you’re thinking. Just not addressed to Santa.  Keep the wording positive and succinct. Be specific. Make sure it’s something you are in control of.

Secondly, consider what you need. Who can you talk to? What can you read about it? Who can you model who does it well? What in your past can you squeeze learning from? Rethink the past “gravestones of failure” as “milestones of feedback”. Your past isn’t what you thought it was. We've all failed at something, this no WAY means we are failures.

Thirdly, decide and do something. Then notice what happens. No the Elves won’t put in an extra shift on your behalf, but it’s strange how change always follows action which always follows decision. The world looks different depending on our attitude towards it.

Finally, adjust and keep going. Once you’re taking control of the steering wheel of your life, you have to keep your eyes on the road...

…you just never know when a stray reindeer might appear.