The Small Head and Big Ears of Love

Have you noticed that it gets less mention on the nightly news than the weather or MP expenses? Yet it is a language every human has the ability to respond to. Love is like oxygen. Easy to miss but impossible to live without.

The Big Baddies?

Yesterday I heard another report has come out analysing the causes of the English summer riots of 2011. Allegedly, who and what is to blame?

1.       Poor parenting

2.       Lack of respect for the Police

3.       Schools providing lack of literacy support

4.       Too much consumerism

5.       Lack of opportunities for young people.

The report possibly has some noble things to say but will it mention the L-word? Love, or the sheer stupid lack of it.  Why don’t we talk about it? We focus on what we talk about.

Why isn’t Love the central theme of the school curriculum, the government budget or the bottom line in the Annual report? When did it slip off the radar?

Now, I’m considering whether ‘mentoring’ is ‘love’ by another name. This ancient tradition of giving time, exchanging stories, and nurturing life in another.

‘Love One Another’ is the concept = ‘Mentor One Another’ is the practice.

 “I feel loved when…”

I asked my kids to finish a sentence recently. You could do this for yourself if you like:

Daddy: ‘Okay kids, here’s how it works. I say the sentence and you finish it. “I feel loved when…”  - what would you say?’

My daughter (age 5): (She jumps up and down on the spot as if sparks of electricity are charging through her) “I feel loved when….when….um….when…when I have cuddles and kisses from daddy.”

My eldest son (age 7): “I feel loved when we play games together, daddy.” He subsequently listed more games than I can remember.

My kids haven’t read Gary Chapman’s ‘The Five Love Languages’…or they have but haven’t told me, but they reveal the truth of it. Love is rich in the way it can be shown – through time together; gifts given; touch offered; words spoken; actions done. My dad is an Action(s) Man. My wife is a Gifts Girly. We all have a preference or two it seems.

Love delights in difference and diversity.

Back to Big Baddy Number One…

Poor parenting. The riots happened because of poor parenting? Really? Parents can only love if they first know love - surely. If we blame the parents, then what about the parents’ parents? Where does it lead? How far back do we have to go? So let’s blame the teachers, and the Police, and the media….and...and...

Let’s take this to the only logical conclusion there is. We Are All Responsible. We Are All Responsible For Love.

Neither you nor I can change what happened last summer. Awful things happened, and I’m still hoping there will be a report which doesn’t just blame-find and finger-point.

Time For Positive Finger Pointing

If we’re going to point fingers, what would happen if we point firstly at these words, and then point to ourselves…?

“Love is patient” – love doesn’t take time. It gives time.

“Love is kind” – it believes you are more than you think you are.

“It does not envy, boast, nor is it proud.” – Love is easy to overlook because it has a small head with big ears.

“It values others, rather than saying ‘me first’…” – Who wouldn’t admire someone with this attitude?

“It keeps no record of wrongs” – Love has a brilliant memory problem.

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – Love isn’t for softees. Love is robust and energetic.

Love never fails. I know I have deeply failed at times. My parents failed me, sometimes. My kids fail everso occasionally. My teachers failed to do something about me being bullied for four years. We’re definitely all in this one together.

"But three remain: faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love."

Love Is. Fullstop. 

An extra mile?

“Anybody can do what I’m doing but you’ve got to want it with all your heart.”

Pat Farmer is possibly not a name you’ve heard of, unless Australian Politics is your specialist Mastermind subject. And although Pat Farmer may not be a name you remember for long, his feat may be something you never forget. Perhaps his feet will also linger long in your memory.

Have you ever felt pushed to the limit? You know that gnawing sense of wanting to give up, when each day lasts 25 hours and each week is nine days long? I guess most of us have.

If this is the case right now, then remember Pat’s words. 

“Anybody can do what I’m doing but you’ve got to want it with all your heart.” 

Pat is a former car mechanic who on the 19th January this year - having been out for a run - finally arrived at his destination. His journey took him through snow blizzards and sweltering jungles; he faced armed bandits and polar bears; he narrowly avoided being killed by a crashing-truck and he ended up with two black feet that resembled mince meat. He’s not black, just his feet.

For 288 days, Pat ran. 

From the North Pole, to the South Pole, Pat ran. In one go, through 14 countries without a day off. As amazing as he is, he didn’t actually run across the seas in between, though.

Pat clocked up 13,000 miles, running equivalent to 500 marathons in a row without a break. Most days were 50-milers. 

But there was a reason. 

There is always a reason to keep going and not give up, you just have to find it and hold onto it. Hold onto it tightly with both hands and both feet if necessary.

“People think I’m some kind of superhuman. But I hurt all night. And in the morning I’m like a cripple until I get going and loosened up" says Pat.

None of us are super-human but we can all choose to keep going towards our horizon when we hold onto our reasons. 

What kept Pat going? “I endured a lot on the run but the people of South America, East Timor and Africa who have no clean water. Those victims of earthquakes and flood and famines. They have it tough too.” Pat was running for Red Cross and raising awareness of their work around the world. Even the Polar Bears know about them now.

Reading Pat’s story (1) has jolted my perception of what’s tough...again. For what it’s worth, here are three thoughts his story provokes in me:

1. Look out. We all need a cause beyond ourselves to help us through tough times. A picture bigger than our own portrait. “Who else is this goal / task for?”
2. Think long. While I’m not (yet) tempted to run 500 marathons on the bounce, I like that sense of a joined-up journey. Of making the horizon of dreams stretch out beyond the span of my own control. “Where - and to whom - does this goal lead me next?”
3. Start here. Even when your feet are mashed and your bones ache and you’ve hurt all night, just go another step.  All the steps join up. “I’ve come this far” can be an energy-giving thought while you loosen up.

So, whatever you and I face right now - however steep the climb, foggy the view, or puzzling the place we find ourselves - let's remember Pat Farmer. He believes. So can we.

“Anybody can do what I’m doing but you’ve got to want it with all your heart.”

(1) Men's Running magazine, April 2012, pp.23-24. Story by Jon Edwards.

I Just Want To Praise You!

How good does it feel when someone notices you've done a good job on something? When you hear those words "Well done for...!" and you know all the effort was worthwhile?

Hey, most people don't mind getting a bit of praise now and then. Consider how praise gives us energy to persevere. To succeed. To excel.

(Well done for reading this far by the way).

Being praised is one of those profoundly normal human needs, along with chocolate and sleep. Not necessarily in that order. Praise is - according to psychologist and author Stephen Biddulph - especially vital for boys. And I think it's necessary for girls too - with a tweek.

But. (There's that word). But...sometimes praise doesn't do it's job. Sometimes it ricochets off the edge of the target, like aiming waste paper at the bin and it hits the rim and, oh, you get the idea.

So - here are THREE HANDY THINGS to understand about praise. How to get it "in".

1. Praise specifically

General praise is a nuisance - like a plastic bag twitching in the air on a blustery day. For praise to be effective you have to get a hold of it and put some content in it. Notice the difference between a teacher saying "You did really well today" and "You did really well at sitting still and asking questions today". Get rid of the ambiguity. Make it so that next time the person knows what to do - precisely.

But don't list too many things. Praising 47 specific things might send them to sleep.

2. Praise process, not just result

Put aside the skewiff obsession with grades and results. Process matters. 'How' not just 'What'. Understanding 'how' builds capacity and resilience for the future. Prof. Carol Dweck from Stanford University has written some fab stuff about 'Fixed' vs. 'Growth' mindset in a book called - wait for it - "Mindset".

A quick story:

I watched my 5 year old daughter swimming the other day. When it came to her doing front crawl I thought she had turned into an octopus. Arms and legs were all over the place. Olympic-material for 2028 she certainly wasn't. And yet I could see the sheer almost-tear-filled determination in her eyes as she looked over at me.

As if to say "Daddy - how did I do?"

My 'bigtime thumbs up' from the parents' viewing gallery was for her awesome effort. Not for looking like a sea creature from the deep. Truth is, we can only steer something that's moving and praise keeps people moving. Even if they look like an octopus for a while.

(Hey, well done for picturing an octopus just then).

Praising the process - "I can see you're working hard" helps people nurture a mindset of 'I can get better at this' and avoid the binary mindset of 'Am I good at this or not?' Thinking in terms of 'Success/Failure' is at the brink of many problems.

3. Praise the person in front of you

Back to the boy/girl thing. Let me suggest a generalisation that's often (not-always-but-often) true. Boys usually prefer 'Deadpan Praise' and girls usually prefer 'Energetic praise'.
More true is that quieter personalities - introverts let's say - receive praise easier if it's delivered quieter, with care. More gregarious folks - extroverts - receive praise more readily if it's got some oomph, emotion and high five-ness about it.

Put it to the test. Notice what happens. Adjust.

One thing is for sure. We all live in the same room, the 'room for improvement' and it's the biggest room in the world. Life is far more fun - and easier - when we fill that room with the sound of praise.

Imagine that.

Running Red Lights

I admit it was exhilarating at the time.

As I looked at the road ahead, it was a continuous line of traffic lights, all showing red. This was Leeds  City Ring Road at its most ferocious on a September weekend.

I raced through the first one. Then the second. That's when I noticed the Police. But I kept going, the adrenalin thundering in my body. The Police stayed put. I pushed my luck and went through a third. This time I thought I saw the Police applaud.

This was odd. The Police were cheering me on as I raced through red lights.

Can you remember a time when you 'saw red'? When you broke through a barrier despite the warning signals?

In our mentoring work, we frequently speak to young people who have run 'red lights' emotionally. The consequences include broken fists, holes left in walls and fences, and broken ankles. But it's not just the physical impact. What about the mental consequences? The lost peace of mind? The worry, the confusion?

I guess most of us have run red lights from time to time. We've been on that journey where anger has unfortunately evolved into aggression. It doesn't have to. It could collapse into withdrawal or stand up for itself and become assertive bargaining. But often the default of angry actions is 'aggression'.

So, whether you're prone to 'fight' or 'take flight' when the red lights are glowing and your body is acting like an alarm clock, here's a few thoughts to police yourself, or others around you if they're the red-lighters.

A - Acknowledge
Acknowledge something's up. Acknowledge the rising tension. Acknowledge the clenching fists, teeth, and...um...buttocks? (Will have to check that last one out). Acknowledge what has been lost. Remember that's why anger springs up in the first place. That's why it's part of our human wiring. It rapidly draws our attention to the fact that something important to us has been lost. Acknowledge what it is - lost respect? Lost time? Lost opportunity? Name it.

B - Buy yourself time (and keep Breathing!)
When the brain is sending out its 'red warning lights', a highly toxic class of steroid is being released (glucocorticoids) which has the effect of shrinking our brains. Yes, your brain can shrink. The sea-horse shaped part of the brain called the hippocampus - that piece of our neurological jigsaw in charge of learning and memory - shrinks. Hands up if you want a smaller brain? To counter this, to help the stress-steroid process 'ASAP' (it takes at least about 10 minutes), Buy Yourself Some Time. As yet, this is something you can't get from Amazon so go for a walk. Find a safe place. Get fresh air. And breathe deeply. "Four in up the nose; Eight out through the mouth" as a midwife might say. Buy Yourself Some Bonus Time. Give your brain a chance to think. Breathing helps you control your brain which in turn controls, well, I guess the brain controls quite a few things most days.

C - Can't, Can, Choose
Don't think about doing what you can't do. Do do what you can do. Yes, I really said 'do do'. When 'red lights' are stretching out ahead of you, there will be somethings that are not in your control, and may never be. The weather, the economy and the school curriculum are at least three. As our good cigar-puffing hero Winston Churchill once said when faced with his own 'red lights'... "I make two lists. I list all the things I can't control. Then I list all the things I can control. I do something about all those things I can control. Then... I go to sleep." Choose to do something positive that you are in control of.

Acknowledge what's up. Buy some time. Choose something positive.

That autumnal day in Leeds lives with me still. The day that I just kept going. Red light after red light. Whatever possessed me?

Truth be told, the Police were cheering and clapping me and thousands of other runners on. A river of runners in colourful vests tackling the Leeds half marathon, with city roads closed for the occasion.

My only way out here is to say that you don't have to stop at every red light - but do notice it and decide an appropriate course of action. The Police might be watching and I can't promise that they'll clap.